Sunday, November 16, 2008

A Woman's Advice to Nice Guys

To the guy who has lost a girl because he was the "nice guy".

To the nice guy who has never gotten the girl he wanted.

To the asshole who gets girls but doesn't know why and/or cannot keep a "nice girl".

To guys in general:

Women (females of all species) are programmed to try and mate with or be claimed by an Alpha male. In different species an "Alpha male" means different things, but it usually means a male with characteristics that make them a leader, dominant over other males, or with characteristics that will improve the chances of survival for themselves and their children.

This is pretty obvious in that girls are generally attracted to guys who are: very fit, have attractive facial features, are very smart, are that quirky-confident-stands-out-of-a-crowd-guy, or are very capable at something (sports, music, etc.)

Unfortunately, many girls get confused and think that a guy being an asshole makes him an Alpha, and that being sweet and considerate makes him NOT an Alpha.

This is simply NOT true. In fact, it is the opposite of true. A *nice guy* is far more likely to provide and care for his mate and children, especially in difficult times. He's more likely to put himself in danger to ensure their safety. And he's more likely to make more personal sacrifices for their happiness. Ultimately- THESE are the survival characteristics that matter the most!

Instincts aren't always executed the way they are supposed to be though. So girls can't "see" this. Women get confused. They see "chest pounding" from a guy and think he's strong, courageous, powerful and in control. Sometimes this is true; sometimes it just means a guy is self-obsessed, an ass and takes advantage of other people.

Mostly, girls have to experience the assholes enough times till they finally figure out that what biology tells them and what they have learned are not exactly the same things.

Guys should know though, a girl wants very badly to dominate a's a girl power thing, it's a primal thing, it's an ego thing. Maybe it's even a biological thing that women subconsciously use as a test. Girls seem to be born, trying to tie guys around their fingers.

But the guy who lets a girl fully dominate him- will almost inevitably lose her! Girls will work at it night and day to pussy whip you…they cannot seem to help it. But a guy MUST NOT LET THEM!


A woman who feels she can dominate a guy, subconsciously fears that this means he is not an Alpha, (the desirable partner) and will lose respect for him. She sees this as weakness.

A man should never let a girl fully dominate him. That is not to say that they cannot have a loving relationship. Guys can share secrets, cry in front of a girl, be considerate, be affectionate, be vulnerable…etc. But at the end of they day- they still need to be wearing the pants! They must establish dominance.

Hate to put it in these terms, but it's like riding a horse guys…if the horse knows you are intimidated by them, scared of them, dominated by them…the horse will kick your ass and not do a single thing you want. They'll make you feel helpless, they might even buck you off. They sense which one of you is in charge. Not only do you need to establish right away which one of you is in charge, every now and then you need to reinforce that, just so the horse doesn't forget. Women are the same way.

They want and even need to see your softer side. This gives them a chance to be sweet and motherly and loving and nurturing and all that mushy gooey stuff that girls so often love. This lets them feel needed. Everyone needs to feel needed. Women need to know that you need and crave their sweetness, softness and tenderness AND their strengths. You do this by being sweet and soft and tender to them. You do this by making confessions and offering up bits of your soul for them to take care of.

BUT AGAIN! While it sucks- the reality is- most people cannot handle ALL of the reality. TOO much sweetness, tenderness and softness (but MOSTLY compromising themselves-) from a guy comes across as weakness.

Weakness = failure to survive this harsh world.

Therefore weakness equals a girl leaving to find a guy who can handle business with a straight back and no weakness if the situation demands decisiveness.

Guys- for whatever reason- biology has created this paradox. You must be sweet and kind and tender enough to get a girl and keep her, but not SO much that you lose her again.

How the fck do you manage that??

Simply by maintaining WHO you are. By respecting yourself and demanding others respect you.

People do evolve, so you can change your hobbies, change the way you look, the way you act, where you live, what you eat, what you believe, your career…pretty much you can change anything about yourself.

BUT the motivation needs to be at least MOSTLY because it's your choosing. Little things like which way to fold the towels…sure do it the way your woman wants. And if she's better at coordinating your clothes- by all means, let her help you and she'll feel needed and important to you.

BUT you still need to be your own person. You need time to yourself, your own interests etc. Essentially, make compromises, but not so many that she is always making the decisions, always telling you what to do and always expecting you to bend to her will. Don't compromise who you are.

If you let her call all the shots or even most of them, she will think you are not in charge of yourself, and anyone who is not in charge of themselves cannot be relied upon to do scary survival things or put other people in their place (like caveman stuff /Alpha male things like fend off a wild creature or fight off an enemy). Those things require courage, back bone, confidence and balls. If you can't demonstrate those qualities in your relationship, she'll never believe you can demonstrate them with powerful, angry people and in high-stress environments.

This means, yes, throughout your relationship there will be a power struggle. Sorry, that is biology. It's a fact of life. The key is to do it in such a way that you both feel you are on equal enough terms that she doesn't mind letting you be in charge. Or, you LET her think that she is in charge, but you step up if and when the time comes and take the reins when it's needed.

Fortunately, biology also put men in positions to establish dominance, and women in a position to crave that dominance. Women respond to physical cues- the strength and size of muscles, the steely confidence in the way you hold your chin, the firm resolve in your eyes, the fact that males are larger than women.

They also respond to cues that demonstrate survival fitness…physical shows of strength or fearlessness, hormones in a guy's sweat, signs of endurance and willpower. They respond to cue that involve intelligence, creativity and ways to out-think problems. They also respond to musical cues because music touches a very personal and powerful chord in a person's soul.

Do not miss understand when I talk about dominance! Women and men ARE equal. But they are two parts of one whole. They fit together as one unit, but their parts are not the same and their strengths and weaknesses are not the same. Women dominate in many areas and that is good and needful. They/we have many strengths that are in some cases similar to males. This statement about dominance does not discredit a woman's intelligence, creativity, ingenuity or other wonderful and Alpha female characteristics. This is simply about the mating "dance" between men and women.

And the use of the word "dominance" may be confusing. I'm not referring to an ability to put a girl in a choke hold or make her feel inferior to you. Dominance is about authority. The ability to make and deliver good plans, be a leader, take charge and handle the messy issues in life. It's about integrity and doing the right thing. It's about having will-power, strength of character and guts. It's about being a real man, and providing protection and life sustaining needs to those smaller, weaker, and dependant on you. It's about respecting yourself enough, to have respect for other people, and caring about yourself enough to care for other people.

And since I'm just as sick of "nice guys" get a "finish last" bad wrap as most of the guy, and of girls who make nice guys think they need to be an asshole- I'm gonna be completely honest.

While a relationship is give and take- when it comes to biology- while women fight it- they need and want a man who will be in charge. This allows them to nurture, and be vulnerable especially at times when they physically are- such as with being pregnant and just after giving birth. Even in this modern era, with technology and all the civilization of the planet- while the functions of the world have largely changed- biology has remained unchanged.

When a man has establish his dominance, his Alpha strength maleness through whatever way, THEN when he is tender and sweet, it's not a weakness- it's benevolence. It's the "I am capable of doing harm- but I choose to do kindness instead" AND THAT is what makes a woman give herself body and soul to a man.

So as much as a woman craves power and dominance over a guy (and to some degree she needs, earns and gets it when he trusts and loves her), when the times come (and they will) she needs and wants to be confident that you can be in charge and take control and provide direction and survival necessities for both of you and your offspring. If she feels she can wave her hand and you'll do whatever she wants without hesitation and at the sacrifice of who you are- she will not believe you can be a good provider and be in charge.
That being said, any man who cannot establish his ability to dominate with a woman- WILL NEVER GET THAT WOMAN. You want that. She wants that. It's just the issue of making it work.

So, as was said by one of the "nice guys" who responded to my reposting "To the Nice Guys Left"…

"The trick for the guy is to find a happy medium between being a nice guy yet not being a complete wimp and push over and stands up for himself. It's a delicate balance. The hard thing is for the nice guy to find a nice girl and for both of them to realize what they have in front of them."

[MySpace Posted Sunday, July 1, 2007]

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