Monday, November 30, 2009

Wait and See


I’m not sure.


We’ll just have to wait and see.

Is there any more infuriating answer than a ton of uncertainty and doubt?

While I am single again, I didn't want to be. I'm not the kind of person/girl to wear their heart on their sleeve, but I admit if I'd had my way, I'd have never been single again. For better or worse, after 14 months with this one guy, I gave my heart away. It's been AWOL for the last month that he's been gone and try as I might, I don't know how to get my heart back. Maybe it's just too soon. I dearly hope to someday have it again, even if it's just to find someone else to offer it to.

Until that happens though, I am not in the right place for an emotional relationship with anyone. I'm actively trying to avoid anything like love...for a while.

The Frozen Food Guy (someone I met at the grocery store) is safe. He's military and moving in February. I doubt he's coming back. It's ironic that the very situation that got me so f*ed up, (a military guy who's leaving) is now the safest arrangement for me! I guess because it forces everything to stay friendly and very casual and that's really what I need right now, even if it's not what I want.

Mr. Frozen Foods and I hung out once, but I'm not entirely sure we'll ever even hang out again. A lot of guys DO find hanging out with a girl they have no future with a waste of time. I respect their decision.

For me though, hanging out with random people I may or may not ever see again still amounts to conversation, fun, learning new things and having new experiences with someone who may look at the world differently than I do. I find value in it. There is something to be said for companionship too.

I know also that social experiences are important for getting over Mr. Heart-break Guy and moving on with my life. The more people I meet, the more I can be reminded that he's not the only guy in the world.

There is the rare, off-chance that I'm afraid to even cross my fingers about. That would be that the carrier of my heart brings it back when the military is done ordering him around and he and I ride off into the sunset.

Of course, I'm too practical to actually believe anything like THAT ever happens. But then again, my BFF got married at 18 and they've been together going strong for almost 13 years now! It may not be a fairy tale (we all know those aren't real) but their relationship IS real and enviable.

Either way, I'm taking this time as a newly single person again to knock out some of my goals and just re-enter the dating world. And taking it slow. REALLY slow.

I think it's important to form a friendship with someone before it takes a romantic turn anyway.

So taking my time getting to know people is a potential investment. It may amount to nothing. It may turn into a life long friendship. They may turn out to be the love of my life. I'll have no way of knowing unless I take the time to find out.

And as frustrating as that is, I'm willing to wait and see.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dating: Don't Give Me YOUR Phone Number

So over the weekend I met a guy outside the grocery store. We stuck up a conversation, talked about maybe getting together sometime and he wrote down my number.

I drove away making a mental note of his name and that I should completely forget about him. For at least three days.

There is a tricky and informal etiquette to meeting new people of the opposite gender. Seasoned daters tend to be aware of it, but the young or inexperienced often find it a source of constant frustration.

"Rules" for dating and relationships are changing. Women are being more assertive, guys are having different expectations.

But, regardless of that, biology doesn’t change. Men are the pursuers. They’re the hunter, not the prey. Men want to “catch” a great girl. They don’t want to be “caught”.

A woman can let her interest be known, she can even make the first contact, but should NOT be the one doing all the chasing. Relationships and marriages where men sat back and let the women do all the work of wooing them, never work out.

Guys should always request a girl's phone number, instead of just offering her his. This shows respect. Guys who go around passing out their numbers quickly get labeled “players” and no nice girl wants to get with a player.

If a guy really likes the girl though, he can also offer give her his number, but after he’s asked for hers.

Guys who just give their number out to a girl, or a bunch of girls and then wait to "see what happens" are not really interested in that girl or any of those girls. They’re trying to take the easy way out. If a guy is truly interested in a girl, he would not be afraid to go after her. They would be motivated enough even if there is a chance of rejection, because they’re focused on the goal of the girl actually wanting them back and making some of kind relationship work.

Girls by nature talk longer and more often then guys. They usually crave more conversation and greater intimacy with the people in their lives. They also typically don’t understand why a guy waits days to call her when he says simply “I’ll call you.”

Even the guy saying “I’ll call you later” doesn’t help because this leaves a girl to wonder how much later? Later today? Later this week? Later this month? And trust me, she will wonder.

Guys however don’t want to come across as desperate or infatuated. Calling the same day they get the number could definitely make him seem that way. Calling the next day might seem almost as bad.

So they play it cool and wait a few days before calling. To them this shows the girl that he’s got a life and isn’t going to be puppy-love called and texted all day, every day right from the start.

The girl is typically just disappointed after two days of frowning at her phone. Chances are, she was hoping "later" translated into "a few hours". Unless she didn’t like him or gave him a fake number; then she probably didn’t expect to hear back from him anyway.

But a girl should understand that the wait period doesn't have to be a bad thing. It probably just means the guys knows the "rules" of dating. It takes a while for most girls to learn that guys who call back immediately generally fall into one of three categories: desperate, stalker, player. A guy does not have to wait three days to call the girl. But usually if the guy doesn't pace himself with the initial phone call and taking the process of learning about each other slowly, he's not planning to take his time with the next phases of "getting to know each other" either.

A girl who's looking to actually "date" this guy and not just "hook up", should see the wait as a good thing. But if a guy waits more than four days to get back to a girl, this sends a pretty solid message to her that he’s just not interested.
And any excuse short of being at the hospital, taking care of his sick grandma or being suddenly deployed, if he calls after four or five days there is a good chance the girl is going to figure that the guy is just hoping to shack up with her (aka: booty call) and really isn’t interested in actually dating her. And dating as we know, suggests intent for a potential future relationship.

So a guy who likes a girl, but doesn’t want to send out “desperate” signs or leave a girl puzzled over several days of silence, should say “I’ll call you in a few days”. “I’ll call you later this week” works also.

She might wonder why he needs several days to get back to her, but at least this gives him a few days of leeway and helps ensure that if he gets tied up with things and doesn’t call her in the acceptable three day window, she’s not so pissed off that she won’t take his call.

As with everything, there are exceptions to every rule. If the first encounter is such a chemistry charged experience that neither person can wait another day to bask in each others presence, they can agree to talk as soon as they both want. But if the guy gets the girls digits and looks her in the eyes promising to call her “tonight” or “tomorrow”, he damn well better do it.
Really confident guys who are using to getting girls numbers, feel very comfortable around females in general and aren't concerned with formalities tend to call right away. They also are very likely not intending to "date" the girl they're calling, at least not ever exclusively. These outgoing guys are looking for a good time and with a lot of people. It's nothing personal, but they're not looking for a relationship, never going to meet the girl's parents and aren't thinking any longer term than next weekend's party plans.

Guys who are serious about a one-on-one relationship take their time with the process of getting to know a girl because they don't want to risk screwing it up. Waiting a few days to call and seeing if she's interested in spending time with him helps gauge whether she just gave her number to get him to leave her alone or if she's actually anticipating getting to know him.

A guy who isn’t pursuing a girl, doesn’t really want to be with her. Sure, if she’s willing to sleep with him anyway, then he’ll probably take advantage of the opportunity. But he didn’t consider her someone worth working for to have.

By a guy offering HIS phone number to a girl instead of asking her for HERS, he’s telling her without actually saying it “I’m lazy when it comes to relationships. I don’t think you are worth working for. I’m not willing to chase you.”

Most girls just don’t figure that out, but they DO feel less valued even if they don’t understand why.

Girls who know they want a man who will fight for them, wait for a guy who shows that he’s really interested in her and willing go the distance to win her.
If a guy doesn’t have to earn, fight for or go after something, they never really value it even if they end up getting it without effort.

People don't always ask for a number, or give out their number because they want to talk or meet again. It's a strange and confusing practice.

Sometimes guys don’t know how to end a conversation with a girl they have no intentions of ever speaking to again. Getting a girl's phone number is NOT an acceptable way to say goodbye.

Taking a girl's number and then losing it, pretending to take her number or (worse) giving her his number but then never answering his phone, are guaranteed ways to have his name and face etched in her memory only one way: “Asshole”.

If they work together, have common friends or frequent the same places this could very easily come back to bite him in the butt. It's just as wrong for girls to give guys a fake number. Just be honest if you don't want to talk again.

Saying: “It was nice to meet you.” “Good luck with …{whatever}” or “Have a good day/night” are good ways to both end the conversation and end future interaction.

The phone number thing is not about playing games or silly social rules. It’s about how men and women are biological programmed. Because in spite of all our mental and physical advancements, people are still animals. You don’t see a female lion trying to mount the male lion.

So guys, kindly remember that: Three days is the max to wait before a first call to a girl.

Texting her to say hello and make arrangements to call her are great if done in the first three days as well.

Saying “I’ll call you in a few days” will really take the pressure off you both.

DON’T say you’ll call if you never intend to.

And IF you say you’re gonna call: do it.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Stop Calling Me White

"What nationality are you?”

As the world becomes a smaller and more mixed place, answering this question becomes increasingly difficult.

One couple I know are an excellent example. He is African American and Native American Indian. She is Filipino, Hispanic and Caucasian. They have fraternal twins who are simply gorgeous. As a matter of fact, these toddlers are currently building up a modeling portfolio. They are after all, the epitome of what America is: a melting pot.

But even people who don’t look exotic or “mixed” are more than likely made up of many ethnic backgrounds. In fact, I would guess that in the next three to four generations, the average person would not be able to guess from just looking at a person, what any of their ancestry is.

When filling out a form or application and the question for ethnic background comes up, there just aren’t enough options.



Pacific Islander


Native American Indian

Middle Eastern



Wedding dresses are white. Paper is white. Milk is white.

I am not white.

Why does every other ethic group get a name or origin but those who supposedly comprise the larger portion of America’s genetic make-up are lumped together with a color??

Or, a non-color technically.

Every time I fill out a form like that I either draw a line through “White” and write next to it “Caucasian” or if I’m feeling really feisty I’ll check the “Other” box and just list the known countries my ancestors came from.

England, Scotland, Denmark, Sweden, Holland, South Wales, France, Switzerland, Germany and Prussia. And this doesn’t even include my paternal grandmother’s ancestry and I actually look strikingly like her!

My ancestors hail from 3 different contingents and 10 different countries and spoke at least as many languages for gosh sakes! France is no more like Scotland than England is like Germany. I am no pure race just because I have fair skin. I am just as mixed as anyone. It just so happens that the countries were all basically Nordic or Scandinavian in their earlier origins.

Hmmm. Maybe next time I’ll write “Mixed Scandinavian” after checking the “Other” box. But even that isn't quite accurate.

There was once a time in the history of the world, before much interbreeding took place that characteristics to each country were more pronounced.

Black people from the heart of Africa, actually used to have black/ charcoal colored skin. Some still do. But it’s not something we identify with here in America. It would be helpful though to remember that when America was still in the early phases of development, the world was a much less mixed place, and the differences in culture, foods, clothing styles and languages were less understood, less accepted and a typically unfamiliar, often frightening things. Whatever someone has never had exposure to seems strange, different and often uncomfortable.

White people from up by the Northern world hemisphere used to have blindingly pale skin and hair. Every now and then you’ll see someone who actually looks like their wearing a white body suit, or their hair went prematurely white. But, like with the darker races, the lighter races have also blended into darker shades of creams and peach.

Since all the races have for centuries now, been slowly watering down the lineage purity and making the shades of dark and light blend together, it’s actually difficult to find examples of these extremes. And people who exhibit these characteristics are definitely gawked at in a world that now sees primarily shades of hybrid tan.

Being mixed is a wonderful thing though. I absolutely believe that we can credit racial mixing with the amazing increase of gorgeous people in the world. A prime example is Jessica Alba. Credited with topping Maxim’s Hot Babe List, FHM’s Sexist Girl, Hollywood’s Sexiest Female Star and ranking high in beauty and sex appeal in others polls, she has universal appeal. Her dad is Mexican and her mom is French and Danish.

The only real problem with the racial diversity of our country now, is when people try to categorize. As if you can measure the ancestry in your blood to see what you have the most of, or just choose one country to represent when your genetic ties and influences from the other countries are just as strong.

Instead of checking just one box, you really need to be able to check about half a dozen.

And even if my own personal pedigree is comprised mostly of particularly pale people, well, that’s perfectly fine with me. After all, the last time I checked, it wasn’t a crime to be racial diverse but still fair skinned.

Just stop calling me white.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Sweetest Revenge

raggiungere (v.): to strive, to reach for the highest point