Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dating: Best Things to Say to Get Your Profile and Messages Ignored

1. I have too big of a heart/ I’m too nice of a person.

Translation: I get walked all over. I don’t have a spine. I let people take advantage of me. Please be super nice to me because no one else is. I don’t have much self-esteem. I’m hoping that by getting into a relationship with someone who will be more like an enabling parent to me, I will never have to develop a spine or self-esteem. I’m weak- don’t hurt me! And yes, if you ask for me to drive you out gas on the freeway in the middle of the night, bail you out of problems and buy you stuff even when you constantly ignore my text messages and never spend time with me on the weekends, I will never tell you no. And no matter how much you abuse me there will never be any consequences. I’m just *that* much of a pussy.

2. I’m averaged sized.
Translation: I’m heavy or overweight and in denial about it. I will expect/hope you will ignore that fact and/or not care. I’m comparing myself to all the morbidly obese people in the world. And compared to someone who weighs 600 pounds I’m an athlete! My body fat percentage is definitely a quarter fat or more.  I think this is normal and I have no intentions of changing that. I will be deeply offended/ angry/ hurt and mortified if you dare call me on it or suggest I could get fitter. You should accept me for how I am now. And a few years from now when I gain a shit load of weight living off hamburgers and doughnuts I will still claim to be average sized or “a little extra” because I’m now comparing myself to the 1% fattest people who are contestants for the Guinness Book of World Records fattest person.

3. I’m not good at describing myself/ I don’t know what to say in my profile.

Translation: I’ve known myself my entire life and there isn’t anything about me worth mentioning. I was hoping you might tell me that I’m a valuable person just for breathing and maybe give me a little trophy for participation. I am uninteresting. I have no hobbies, talents or ambitions. I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m hoping to skate through life without ever actually discovering who I am. I don’t know what introspection means. I don’t care to find out. I am probably not worth getting to know.

4. I’ve never done this [internet dating] before.

Translation: I am waaaaay too cool to be here. I’m really NOT so desperate for a relationship that I’m looking for love online, yet here I am. I lost a bet. My buddy/sister/father/neighbor created this profile for me.  I am completely going to deny that I ever met anyone on a dating site, even if it works and I meet a wonderful person and we get married. I think only losers or idiots use online dating site. Except me. I’m trying this out but I’m absolutely NOT a loser like everyone else here. Well, me and the person I’m hoping to meet because I’m having NO success in the real world and I’m starting to get scared I’ll spend the rest of my life alone.

5. I’m looking to see what’s out there.

Translation: I want to know what all my options are before I put forth any effort. I’m hoping I can get free food and free sex and not be tied to any commitments. I don’t have much experience in relationships or really want one, or else I’d say I’m looking for one. I am worried that if I say I just want a booty call people will think I’m a creep/slut and not talk to me. I want someone to find me and tell me that I’m what they want. And then I want them to define what our relationship will be. If I don’t like what they say, I’ll just come right back to looking for someone else who offers a different bag of goodies.

6. I’m not into games/ drama.

Translation: I’m using these specific words because I’m fully expecting to have a lot of games and drama in my dating. I’ve always had games and drama in my relationships. I may or may not be actually tired of it. I want you to be straight forward about what you expect and be easy going but I reserve the right to whip out a can of games and drama if what we have going on gets boring for me. And since I have so much experience with games and drama, if you get me started, you know it’s going to be the Jerry Springer kind

7. Ask me.

 Translation: I’m f’ing lazy. I’m arrogant and think my pictures are enough to get people to want me and write me. I’d rather get drunk and play online games or watch movies all night rather than write anything, even if it’s talking about myself and how awesome I am and how lucky you’d be to meet me. I don’t believe in putting effort into anything. I don’t wash my hands after using the bathroom. I throw my garage out the window or door of my car. I probably never brush my teeth, or wash my clothes and only shower when flies start to land on me. If you expect me to do anything that’s not easy or fun for me, including make you orgasm if we have sex, you’re a f’ing idiot.

8. YOLO!

Translation: I’m wildly immature. Dating me will be like dating a pre-adolescent.  I may ask you for money, directions to get places Google Maps could show me or both. I don’t know how to function in daily life without other people’s help and advice.  I’m trying way too hard to be trendy, young and fit in to the crowd. I’m a sheep and I have no original thoughts of my own. It hurts my head to find out about current event or follow politics. Reading books put me to sleep. If you ask me any questions I’ll have to consult either a magic 8 ball, my daily horoscope or ask a friend via text message before I can respond.  I am as deep as the condensation on the side of a warm soda can.

9. I like to meet new people and see where it goes.

Translation: If we meet, it will only be once. And then it will be just to have sex. My relationships all amount to a series of one night stands. I get bored with people. Three months is a lifetime to me. I have the attention span of a mosquito on caffeine. I don’t have any long term plans or goals. I keep condoms on me at all times. You never know when a hottie in the produce section of the grocery store might be down for a quickie behind the shopping carts. I will prefer to come to your house for sex so you don’t know where I live. I have amnesia every 24 hours, so don’t bother telling me your name, I won’t remember it. 

10. I want someone who will take care of me.

Translation: I have expensive needs you will pay for. I have a long list of expectations that you had better fulfill. I plan to use you until something better comes along. Like someone more enabling who has even more money than you have. I plan to either act childlike/clingy or bitchy/controlling. I may in fact flip-flop back and forth between those two. I want you to handle the finances, the major life decisions and make my life feel like it has purpose without me doing anything for myself or anyone else. Everything should revolve around me. You should constantly be doing things to show me you are grateful I gave you the chance to make your life revolve around mine. If you screw any of this up, I will blame anything that goes wrong on you and tell everyone what a dickhead you are.  

11. I’m just chillin/ I’m just doing my thing

Translation: I peaked in high school. That amounted to me getting mostly C’s, cutting class whenever possible and trying to get stoned/drunk/laid every day if possible. I may not in fact have actually graduated from high school. Furthering my education takes a back seat to watching every episode of the dumbest TV series I can find four or five times back to back. Chances are good I’m on government assistance and can’t hold down a job. I have no ability to commit to anything. Not even using proper English, which is probably the only language I speak. I have no personal style. I’m a cheap knock off of whatever my equally uneducated trendy role model is, and they probably peaked in high school too. If you want to ever do ANYTHING with your life, including: travel, have a good paying job, raise responsible children, fulfill your potential, dress nice, own your own home or be able to retire before you die, avoid me at all cost.

12. I’m one of the funniest people you’ll ever meet.  

Translation: I don’t have much else going for me. I try to be funny. It may be dumb humor or just me being a dork. Either you can laugh at my lame ass jokes or you can just laugh at me. I probably won’t know the difference and as long as you appear to be laughing, I’ll be proud that I made it happen and not care which it is. Forced and fake laughter is okay too. I don’t have any real wit or cleverness. I just know that people of the opposite sex say they want someone who will make them laugh. So I’ve decided that I’m a funny person. I’m going to try too hard to make you laugh and show you just how little confidence I have in myself. I probably don’t even know that you gain real confidence by learning new skills, becoming independent and focusing on making the world a better place for other people. So instead I’ll try to be a cross between Jim Carey/Chris Rock and completely miss the mark. But I’m desperate to be funny so I won’t even notice when you don’t find me funny and insist that what I’m saying IS funny. I’m funny dammit!

Food: Suggested Cold Stone Ice Cream Flavor "Deliciously Rich Donald Trump"

Cold Stone is one of my favorite places to get ice cream. They make "creations" the way my friends and I used to at our teenage birthday parties growing up. We'd buy a cornucopia of delicious "ingredients" and take pride in each of us making our own original yummy mess. Mixing ice cream flavors, fruit, candies and toppings all in one bowl for a delicious and unique dessert experience.

Since Cold Stone has hit the market with a collection of their Signature Creations, I've been happy to leave the flavor combination inventing to the ice cream experts. And I can tell you without hesitation what everyone in my family normally gets when we visit this particular ice cream parlor.

As for myself, I'm usually very happy with the "Mint Mint Chocolate Chip". I've tried a variety of their flavor combinations and generally like that one the best. Every now and then I'll get their "Chocolate Devotion" with some strawberries tossed in. And their "Cookie Doughn't You Want Some" is another I frequently rotate out with. I sometimes add a thing now and then, (like the time I added brownie to the "Strawberry Blonde") but I've never made an entirely new creation before that deserves to be added to the list of regulars.

But that changed one time about eight months ago when my boyfriend decided to make his own concoction instead of getting his usual Birthday Cake Remix (sans chocolate). I was conflicted about which of my usuals to get and was kinda looking for something a little different. So when my boyfriend (who is not a fan of mint or even sometimes of chocolate but very much likes cheesecake) ordered Cake Batter and Cheesecake Ice cream, then added pie crust and Carmel, it sounded intriguing. He let me taste his when the server passed it over the counter. It was good. That is, it was a good start.

I decided to get that, but with a few more additions. I also requested chocolate shavings, fudge topping and fresh strawberries. When my delectable dessert was handed over to me, I let my boyfriend taste it. The flavors were in my opinion perfection and was sure he'd agree.

My boyfriend: It's too rich.

Me: What?! That's impossible. There's no such thing as too rich. Just ask Donald Trump!

We both laughed but the name stuck.

And that is how the Deliciously Rich Donald Trump ice cream concoction was created. Now most times I go to Cold Stone I ask for this combination. But it would be really awesome to just ask for it by name. I think it's about time we let the public decide so I'm putting the ingredient list out there for everyone to decide if they agree. 

If you'd like to have your taste buds overwhelmed by an amazing treat, try the Deliciously Rich Donald Trump. Here is what to ask for:

Cake Batter ice cream
Cheesecake ice cream
Pie Crust topping
Carmel Topping
Chocolate Fudge Topping
Chocolate Shavings
Fresh Sliced Strawberries

(add a chocolate covered waffle bowl if you think you can handle it!)

And then Enjoy!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Dating: The ABC’s of Online Dating Emails

The basic building blocks of creating good emails when online dating are pretty simple but very important.

You have roughly six emails each to cover all these topics and establish certain factors in order for the best possible outcome.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Dating: Fuit Smoothies, Slurpees and V8 Juice

There are basically three types of people out there. Which kind are you? And what are you looking for?