Friday, February 27, 2015

Dating: When Attraction Becomes Dangerous

As a single female on the dating scene I've had my share of getting crude messages suggesting all sorts of debauchery and making some pretty strange offers. Most of the message senders are trying to be tantalizing. Most of them give up when they realize that I'm not interested. Then there are a few that don't seem to know when to stop. 

Sometimes when someone wants your attention badly enough, the best thing you can do is give them attention. I'm not suggesting though, that you give them the kind of attention they want. In this case, the best option might be giving some public notice about an online dating site user who has absolutely stepped across the line of minor annoyance to full blown creep.

This fun note was waiting for me at OkCupid last night. (click picture to enlarge)

At first, I didn't know who sent the chilling message.

"Rape" is not a word you should use with someone you've never met. Rape is not a joke or something you laugh off. It's a terrible act; one of selfishness, treachery and blatant intention to cause lasting physical, emotional and psychological harm.

Whether this comes from the late night musings of a sexual frustrated man or someone who would actually commit the crime if the opportunity permitted, it does not matter. The "lol" at the end of the message does nothing to lessen the clear message that this guy wants physical contact with me whether I want it or not.

I wouldn't have even been sure who sent this message (I did have my suspicious based upon the screen name though) since the user deleted their profile and there is no picture.

But this guy is just so arrogant that he actually contacted me a few hours later, on a different dating site using the exact same screen name. When I signed onto Plenty of Fish (POF) what a surprise I had to see the very same screen name with another message.

This time the messages was a lot less threatening, but still suggested physical intentions. I have no idea why he keeps bringing up his ancestry, but I suppose that and his stats on his profile will make him a lot easier to identify should this creep ever force himself on a woman.

His persistence in trying to get me to come to his house, drink alcohol and have sex with him was the topic of my last blog post. Apparently, my refusal to meet him or respond to his messages has done nothing to squash his intentions to harass me on not one, but now two dating sites.

Despite my public inquiry to readers of how I should react to this guy, I tried to choose the ethically high road and did nothing at all. I am starting to think that was a mistake.

Maybe it's time ALL female online dating site users got a better look at the guy who likes his sex partners either drunk or unwilling.

On paper he looks like a decent guy: Well dressed, nice home, good job, educated... But based upon the messages he sends women, especially the ones he doesn't expect to be traced back to, he's not a good person.We have certainly seen enough celebrities, sport icons, music legends and political leaders- people of high status, good breeding and having a lot to lose, make tremendously bad decisions and reveal themselves to be something akin to pond scum.

There are some who would suggest that this kind of thing is what makes online dating so very dangerous and unwise. But I would remind everyone, whether this guy has a dating profile or not, he is still out in the real world, meeting people in coffee shops, at work and in the grocery store.

Online dating sites might give him a greater reach to interact with women who might meet him not realizing he could have bad intentions, but not having a dating profile won't prevent everyone from meeting him at all.

And this is why common sense and going with your gut instincts are so very important with online dating as well as every life venture. It also helps to inform yourself about what to look out for and how to protect yourself.

Had I not gone with my first impression of this guy based upon years of studying people, and met him the first time he suggested it, this article about rape and online creeps might have had a very message.

Regardless of whether this guy intended his comment to be a "joke" or an inducement to get my attention, hopefully he'll learn to be more humble, less forceful and stop bothering women who don't want his attention.  

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Online Dating: Guy With Shortest Memory EVER

As my subscribed readers know, all 625 eh...9 of you, I don't pussy-foot around with people who need to get a bit of a reality check when it comes to stupid or unreasonable behavior in online dating. And man, do I have a doozy this time!

I really wish that I had saved the first half of the conversation. I really should have seen the signs and realized this was going to turn in to a blog.

So for his first message to me at 12:45 on a Tuesday night, this guy says:

Guy: Hey wanna join me tonight for some red wine, candlelight, romantic time on my beach condo oceanfront of chicks beach?

Me: Thanks, but it's late, I have to work in the morning and that doesn't seem like a smart way to meet. Besides, I don't drink alcohol. Ever. It's just not my thing. But thanks anyway.

Guy: (something to the effect of) You pretty girls think you are all the same. You play games on me. That is not the reason. Just be honest. Why can't you tell me the truth? I will show you a good time.  

So that is where this series of messages take off:

Notice that around 1:20 am I a gave up reasoning with this guy and went to bed. The next few messages he sends me are in the, count them...FOUR days following the messages where I told him repeatedly that I don't drink alcohol. Nor did I contact him first, or suggest that I was interested in him.

Seriously. This guy has enough ego for both people in a relationship. I don't know what he needs me for. He's plenty good at stroking his own ego. 

Could it really be that he thinks meeting someone for the first time at his house is the smartest and safest course of action?  For either of us? How does he know I won't show up with some guys and rob him at knife point?

Does he think that my saying "I don't drink" is code for "the offer isn't good enough but I really would drink if I were more attracted to you"??

Does he really think that meeting at 1 in the morning on a Tuesday night when I already said I have to work in a few hours is negotiable??  

I really don't know!

So how should I proceed? I've come up with a few possibilities..

1. Ignore/ block him. - Safest but most boring choice.

2. Continue to argue with him. - Most pointless option and definitely a waste of my time.

3. Punk him. Agree to meet him and then just never show. - He'll likely become even more bitter about female nature but maybe then he'd be mad enough to leave me alone!

So what do you think? What is the best way to deal with this guy who cannot remember from one 24 hour period to the next the only, single, definite thing I told him about myself.... that I NEVER drink alcohol!...

I'll consider any option at this point! I'd love to hear what you come up with!

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Relationships: When Sexual Attraction Is Not Enough

It should come as no surprise that when to get involved with someone, that you will have to talk to each other sometimes. However it could be that by putting too much emphasis on looks, you're overlooking the importance of mental and emotional compatibility.

It's true that there needs to be physical attraction. And a healthy dose of it. But the magical thing we call "chemistry" in a relationship is comprised of an interesting combinations of interest, intrigue and familiarity, not just a desire to rip each others clothes off.

While people place their priority for that primal sexual urge on different levels, that alone will not make any relationship last any length of time worth counting.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

The 10 Best Non-Traditional Christmas Songs

If you're tired of traditional Christmas music, here is a list of the best holiday music. They're inspiring and touching, without any of the Ho, ho, ho's or overt religious content.

#10. HOPE WAS BORN THIS NIGHT - Sidewalk Prophets

#9. MARY DID YOU KNOW - Pentatonix

#8. THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS EVE - Trans Siberian Orchestra

#7. WINTERSONG - Sarah McLachlan

#6. GROWN UP CHRISTMAS LIST - Michael Bubble


#4. RIVER - Robert Downey Jr.



#1. SONG FOR A WINTER'S NIGHT - Sarah McLachlan (cover Gordon Lightfoot)

Friday, December 12, 2014

Dating: Cell Phone Etiquette

Should you give your number to someone off a social media site? What kinds of messages or pictures should you NEVER send? When is it okay to answer the phone on a date?

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Dating: Grooming To Get Cuddled

There is something about crisp fall days and chilly winter nights that sends single people out in search of a cuddle buddy.

If you're hoping to find someone special to snuggle with, there are several things you can do to make getting cozy a more comfortable (and probable!) experience.

First of all, remember that when you get up close and personal with someone you want them to notice the twinkle in your eye (not the eye boogies you didn't wash away) and the charm of your smile (not the visible plaque between your teeth.).

You want them to snuggle in close and enjoy the heat of your body (not gasp for desperate breath while choking on your body odor). And you hope that the enjoyment of heated skin and hearts beating as one doesn't get distracted by funky long yellowed toenails and some strange patch of flaky skin you hadn't even noticed til they scrunched up their nose and pointed it out. 

So working down from head to toe, don't figure that since it's winter you can ditch the razors, abandon body sprays and forgo a couple days or weeks of shampoo, just because it's cold and you'll be wearing more layers than usual.

1. Touchable locks at any length.
Wash your hair no less often than every other day. Greasy hair looks gross and adds to skin problems.
Just say no to flakes. Wash with a dandruff specific shampoo and exfoliate your scalp with your fingernails while washing your hair.
A little dab of hair gel or hair mousse mixed in your palm with a little water and smoothed evenly over the top layer of your hair does a great job keeping your hair from getting static-y in the dry winter air. Use less than you think you'll need to keep it from looking greasy.
In a pinch a dime sized drop of hand lotion can take the place of hair gel to keep hair tame.
Buzz cut or razor the back of your neck if your hair is short and use a mirror to make sure you don't end up with a long random strand.

                                                         2. Keep your ears clean.
Ears are often neglected and they need attention too. There are some to caution against putting things in your ears so be sure if you use a q-tip or cotton swab you only clean the very outter part of the ear canal. Some medical specialists suggest using warm olive oil, baby oil or mineral oil dripped inside your ear (and then drained back out again) to pull out the balls of wax your ears make. If nothing else, just wrap the end of a tissue around your pinkie and give each ear a good swab.
Don't shower with earrings in or leave them in for too many days and be aware that earring holes need attention too. 
No one wants to nibble on your ear and taste dead cells, so if you've ever pierced your ears and there is a hole remaining, recognize that it's going to get regularly filled like a zit with a yellowy or brownish, whitish gunk that stinks and is basically gross. Get that stuff gone or this could put all ear licking or nibbling to an abrupt end. Which would be a serious shame since that can be a surprisingly erotic turn on. 

3. Mind the nose.

Keep nose hairs trimmed and out of sight.
Have tissues on hand if you're dealing with a cold, allergies or anything that might bring on moisture in that general area.
If you're prone to excess skin oil use tissue paper or face powder to eliminate the shine.
Use tweezers to carefully remove dry flaky skin.
A dab of mentholatum on chapped skin around the nose can restore normal skin texture in hours. 

4. Keep that mouth kissable. 
Brushing teeth twice a day should go without saying.
Flossing and mouth wash are great additions.
Brush your tongue. If you could see the gunk on that flapper jammer you'd rip it out of your own mouth.
You can exfoliate your lips during a nice warm shower with some rubbing of your fingers or a soft tooth brush. This cuts down on unsightly peeling lips.
And last but not least, chapstick that pucker. 

5. Facial hair beware! 
Beards are in right now (but only for men!) so guys, keep them trimmed, clean and not scratchy, and laddies get out the tweezers to make any longer or noticeable hairs around your upper lip disappear.
Beard hair is different than head hair and it's recommended that you don't wash your beard with shampoo or face soap. If you have a long beard (anything longer than 2 inches) you might want to invest in special beard soaps and conditioner oils. You seriously don't want dandruff flaking off your beard.

If you're clean shaven kind of guy or going for the 5 o'clock shadow look, keep your razor lines straight, tweezer any hair that resists the blade and moisturize that skin. A little scruff can be sexy, but no one wants to get facial road rash from kissing or nuzzling you. 

5. Embrace your natural skin color.
Some people are used to having or getting a tan during the sunny months and are surprised to discover their skin has gone back to it's natural birthday suit shade. Love the skin you're in!
Forget tanning beds, spray tans or bottle bronzers: let your skin be true to itself and relish your ancestry whatever it means your melanin looks like.
If you think your skin tone is shockingly pale and that bothers you, just remind yourself that soft healthy skin is a thousand times better than a fake-bake that leads to skin cancer or old leather couch skin. Honestly whoever is lucky enough to peel of your layers to get to the fun below should be happy with your skin being healthy at its natural shade.