Monday, October 20, 2014

Online Dating Disasters Adverted: Safety First

Like most things, online dating can be a wonderful resource. It opens new opportunities for meeting people who live near you, but who move in different social circles and who you might never otherwise meet.

While statistics vary, it's said now that 1/3 of all relationships are now formed from online (social media) sites. That included online dating sites.

But with those new opportunities opening it, if people are not careful they might also inadvertently invite into their lives people who's intentions are far from honorable.

This is one of the reasons following certain common sense rules are so important.

It's also important to present yourself online in such a way that people won't assume the worst about you.

There are words and phrases you should avoid so you other people don't get the wrong impression. 

You should refrain from contact with people who obviously won't be a good match

Be aware that some people will use social media sites to scam people but you can protect yourself from that.

Don't write messages to people online that will make YOU seem like the freak job.

Keep a handle on your feelings and opinions and don't spread angst to other people.

Figure out what you want and what you have to offer before you start trying to meet people.

Make sure your expectations are realistic and you're not over-reaching when what you are offering isn't equal to what you think your date should be like.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Let It Go: Snarky Online Messages

So it sometimes happens that someone will write me online and it gets heated fast. And not in a nice way.

But it's like the yellow jackets that I'd try to capture with a jar by the rotting fruit at the base of the apple tree in my grandparent's backyard as a child. Sometimes I like to see what will happen when going to toe-to-toe with a creature with a stinger and a short temper.

It's nice when someone will indulge me. After all, I never start the fight. I just don't back down from it once the gantlet has been thrown. Especially when the attacks become personal.

I knew this wasn't going to go well. Like I said...I may be guilty sometimes of deliberately trying to get a rise out of someone. But catching a tiny predator in a container is fascinating. I don't think my intentions are malicious. I don't keep it indefinitely until it starves to death. I just hang on to it for a bit. Poke it with a stick and toy with it a bit before I release it.

I just can't help but feel that certain types are a little too arrogant and need to be reminded now and then that they're not infallible. God only knows I get reminded of that often enough. Just spreading the reality checks.

And then you have to wonder if they even understood what you said...Does this guy know that my comment was laced with sarcasm and dipped in pretentiousness? I suspect not. I'm guessing that by my use of vernacular and vocabulary he thinks I was actually paying him compliments. That is funny.

I'm sure it would be best if I would just be an adult about it. Just leave well enough alone. Wave the pesky little stinger away instead of gauging it's reactions to my curiosity. But again, I'm not here to make enemies or stifle others even with their arrogant stingers. I just play for a while. And let it go. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Worth the Wait. 15 Things You Shouldn't Rush in Dating

You're tired of being single and impatient to move onto the cozy cocoon of being a couple with a special someone. But before you jump into a relationship with the first (or even second or third) possibility that comes along, there are some very good reasons why you should take your time.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

What You Do Determines What You Get

The effort you put into something is usually directly connected to the results you get. And the effort you put into something usually starts with what your intentions are. The is certainly the case at the start of a relationship.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Online Dating With OK Cupid: Questions and Answers

I don’t typically tailor my articles here to any specific dating site or organization. But anyone following my blog like a Bible (or even occasionally stumbling across it for a few laughs) will see periodic screen shots of actual conversations I have with other users on the distinitive blue and white online dating site. Obviously I am a regular user and advocate of OK Cupid.

It’s one of the few true “free” online dating sites. By “free” I mean that you don’t have to provide any payment to the site or any company to create a profile, contact other users, read/ send messages and use all their basic features.

A couple years ago when they were bought by the company that owns they added an “upgrade” option with additional perks and features (adding more photos, seeing who read your messages, additional levels of screening who contacts you, etc. ) for a fee. It is entirely possible though to have success with the site without it costing you anything more than your basic internet/ wifi fees.

I have also used POF (formerly known as Plenty of Fish) but I have found OK Cupid to be cleanest and classiest free online dating site and it comes with lot of free additional features. I think the amount of effort that OK Cupid encourages it’s users to put in, help weed out the people who are just looking for pictures of local potential mates and the option to say “let’s hook up”.

I particularly like the questions and multiple choice answer options about opinions, lifestyle choices and personal preferences that give you match percentages. The founders of Ok Cupid initial started the questions and then opened up site so that users could create their own questions. Sometime after the new owners of the site took over, they took away that option. Possibly the decided that of the thousands of questions already posed by users, there was never going to be any need for new ones to be added to the list. (I respectfully disagree, but whatever.)

In the on and off four years that I have been using the site, I have answered 1046 questions. If that seems like a lot to you, I should mention that I’ve viewed other users pages who have answered literally double that number. Talk about putting me to shame!

While I may be a female (as a rule women get more page views than men) and a decent looking one (no false modesty but also no inflated ego here) I have always had a standard of never posting any pictures of myself that are immodest as a way to get cheap attention. And by that I mean by wearing a swimming suit, showing off skin in the boob/ butt areas, wearing revealing clothing or posing in sexually provocative ways. (Well, there might have been one photo where I leaned over to get my entire body in the mirror I was using for the selfie shot…)

Either way, I’m not using “Look at me I’m HOT and horny” photos to attract attention. Nor am I in the most heavily searched age range (22-32) and YET, I pull in between 115 and 155 views a week. (I get more around the winter holidays, Valentine’s Day and the beginning of summer when people especially want some companionship.) And typically 1-10 messages a day. I’ve had a couple days stacked together where I didn’t get any mail, but it’s rare and I usually find it’s because my inbox is full. Oops. Sorry.  

I attribute most of that traffic to my taking the tests and answering questions. If you take the number of questions I have answered and divide it by the number of years I’ve been on the site, and then that number by the number of weeks in the year you get this. 1046/ 52=  20.1

That means that I answer about twenty questions a week. Not only do I answer the questions, I write a couple sentences with some comments about my answer. This not only gives a little insight into my thought process behind my answer, but it has opened countless doors for conversation by people who then write me to talk about my answers. And it works.

Every time you answer a question, the site puts your picture with a link to your page, and your response on the home search page of the opposite gender (or whatever demographic you said you want to be found by). This means that instead of your randomly being found by the people you want to look for you, you’re on their home page smiling out from the screen with your answer there tempting them to send you a message.  

The beautiful thing about the questions is that the answers are all your own opinions and preferences. That means aside from the few that ask things like “Which is larger: The sun or the Earth?” or ask Intelligence Test like questions, there are no wrong or right answers.

By answering the questions they also slowly build up a “personality” on the site about you. From time to time that data changes based upon your collective answers to reflect the overall picture of who you are presenting yourself to be. This is very helpful in showing you not only how you may look to others, but possibly guide you if you’re answering too many questions on the same topic that might make other users think you are only interested in one thing (sex, drugs, politics, whatever).  
This is my most recent personality list.

 The list is only created after a user has answered 50 questions. Obviously the more answers you give and by covering a variety of topics, it gives everyone a more well rounded view of who you are. When looking at a prospective date, I always check this.   

A guy may be concerned if his personality says something he might consider negative (like more arrogant or less experienced in love) but I consider it a bigger mark against them if they don't have a personalty profile at all. 

If you are new to online dating, I would recommend you forgo the paid sites and try a free one. Like OK Cupid (no, I’m not getting paid to say that.. I wish!).

If you are already an OK Cupid user, I would encourage you to regularly answer the questions and add a few comments in the section provided. Even if you don’t answer questions every day or ever week, when you do it will absolutely drive more traffic to your page. And isn’t that what online dating is about? Find someone and being found?

Answering questions (and reading the answers other people give on the main page) will help you cut through some of the challenges in this online game of find and seek. 

Give it a try and let me know how it works for you! Cheers!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

First Message Approach: You're Doing It Wrong

I get messages like these a lot. And I imagine that other women do as well. Especially women who wear more revealing clothing in their pictures. I'm sure guys just think they're being "honest" and "flattering". But it's really not. 

That kind of deeply sexual statement is something you only say to a women AFTER you've gotten to know each other, have some familiarity/ comfort level and have established that there is mutual interest. It is NOT how you introduce yourself.

For the women who get these messages there are a variety of ways to respond to that kind of "I see you as a sexual object" kind of commentary. 

Being offended. 
Just ignoring it. 

But I like to be constructive. I want to help change people's perspectives not just modify their behavior. I see that as the way to really get to the root of the problem and correct it, not just kick it as a temporary fix. I honestly believe that by explaining the WHY and the HOW behind something, you make it so people go about things the right way for the right reasons.

The funny this is, by overly sexualizing women a lot of guys eliminate all possibility of getting what they want! I mean, isn't the guy's goal to get the woman to meet him and like him enough to be willing to have sex with him? And doesn't he have to get her interested in meeting him first? And doesn't he need to at least act like someone she would want to be around in order for any of that other stuff to happen? 

If that's not the case and guys don't really expect or hope to get the girl to meet them, then it's harassment plain and simple. And if guys aren't embarrassed by harassing a girl just because she's a girl.. they should be!

Hopefully we can eventually get to a place where this concept becomes more mainstream and the idea of talking to each other like human beings will take on.

Until then, I'll keep trying to plant the seeds of common sense and common decency, one message at a time.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Problem With Religion: No Absolution

I lay tossing on my bed unable to sleep. Insomnia has been a common theme throughout my life with only a few years patch worked together where it didn't suck huge portions of my energy, ambition and sleep from my daily productivity and enjoyment.

Typically, the abatement of the usual stressors result in peaceful sleep. This amounts to my having adequate income (at least enough to confidently pay my bills every month), some level of job security/ satisfaction, being pleased with my level of physical activity/ fitness and having a significant other. At least some combination of those four and I can manage to get four hours of sleep together on the same side of the clock. 

For the past few months, all four have been tremulous at best. Despite sleep being exactly what I need to combat those concerns, they also certainly band together to keep me awake at night. And as I yank at my sheets and push around my pillows, I wrestle with a thought.

Thanks to a few notes of a song, I suddenly remember one year where sleep came readily and blissfully and I wasn't in a relationship, my job satisfaction wasn't great, money was only okay, and my fitness level was not quite unprecedented, but definitely at the top of the curve.

But there was one thing that was primarily different, a totally different factor. It is something that I haven't thought much of in a while. 

Some time around 5 this morning as a last ditch attempt to get peaceful enough to sleep I put my Ipad on sleep timer softly playing piano based New Age music. This first song ends and I start to relax. But then the next tune plays.

Only a few notes in and I recognize it immediately. It nearly brings tears to my eyes. Despite the fact that the song is played entirely instrumental, I know the words. I grew up singing them and I'm surprised at my reaction.

The song is "I know that my Redeemer lives". It's one of the few tributes that most Christian churches recognize as a Hymn.

While I had been raised in a deeply religious family and embraced it into my mid twenties, around that time world religion studies, conversations with enlightened and non-religious people and some serious thinking from the stand point of logic and common sense had collectively and finally broken me free.

Powerful books like Good Without God, The End of Faith, God is Not Great, The Evolution of God and Breaking the Spell are honest and analytical looks at how we got to this point in society where science and reason have replaced dangerous superstitions and fear based myths/ fallacies, yet people continue to believe in religious ideas that have no basis for credibility. 

The year I divorced I also came to terms with my lack of acceptance of Mormonism, Christianity, Organized Religion and even Spirituality. In that order. For about a calendar year I gingerly adjusted to the idea that as long as I was doing what I thought made me a good person, no one else could or would dictate my actions. It was beyond liberating.

I worked with enthusiasm, played hard and perhaps most importantly, slept like a rock as soon as my head hit the pillow.

For the first time all care had flown. I no longer had to worry about whether I was living church teachings properly, whether I was part of "the correct" church, if I was interpreting the scriptures properly, whether someone in the congregation was holier than I was and was judging me for it, or if when I died I would be welcomed to heaven or plunged down to hell. As far as I was concerned the entirety of "religion" and everything it encompassed no longer existed for me. It was no longer part of my life to put me at war with myself and anyone who chose a different god. It was sudden amnesty from a long and terrible prison sentence.

No wonder I slept so well.

Some people take reassurance in having a religious belief system. I was raised on that shit and all it did was stress me out. I now took reassurance in NOT having one.

But shortly after the year mark, as religion phased out my interest in politics phased in. This is a natural extension of realizing that if there is no God to keep the justice scale tipped in the favor of righteousness, and there is no punishment in the hereafter for the wicked actions of people while they're alive, it's up to the living occupants of earth to see to justice and met out punishments and rewards.

It turns out that by releasing religion and turning to politics I was merely exchanging one brand of hellish conflict for another.

Politics which should be about the governing of the people in a given society, is more about greed, power grabbing, securing politician jobs and world resources and mishandling the citizen's rights, personal property and bank accounts. 

And searching for the truth brings you up close and personal with terrible concepts that after the religious nonsense I'd just catapulted out of my brain, left a lot of room for "what if" involving political craziness. I am of course talking about conspiracy theories and how many of them are not in fact theories, but actual fact based truths. It turns out that is far more terrifying than the abstract concept of hell that might take place after you die. 

At that point, it might actually be better to try to convince myself that god is real and that Jesus will make everything okay as long as I read his "holy book", obey a LOT of rules surrounding sex and pay a church money every Sunday after a colorful and imaginative propaganda speech.

But I just can't get myself to.

For the simple reason that: if it doesn't make sense I won't want to try to make myself believe it anymore than I want to swallow alcohol which smells so repugnant to me that I actually gag and want to vomit even before taking a sip. Why torture myself??

It's just not for me. Most people who enjoy alcohol tell me that "it's an acquired taste". I believe a belief in religion is like that. Other people may warm up to it. Learn to crave it even. Relish it in spite of all the chaos it invites into their lives. But not me.

I think one of my big issues with "the god story" is that it's full of such gaping holes it doesn't provide much of a safety net. Whether you believe in Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, Zeus or any of other names that people have given the life force they credit with their existence and rely upon for their salvation, much of the general concept is the same.

Most of the world religions (both ancient and modern) agree on few key facts:
1.) A supreme being created this planet, the solar system and all living things on it.
2.) Humans are "different" from the other earth's inhabitants because our god definitely gave us a very important "soul", while all the other living things may or may not be worthy of saving past a short earthly existance.
3.) Humans are given a list of specific ways they are supposed to live and worship their creator or else they'll make that creator mad.
4.) That is also the only way to ensure that when you die you don't suffer forever and get nothing for trying to be a good person. Because getting a reward is important and being good isn't reward enough.
5.) IF you do exactly what you're told by other people who somehow have obtained the knowledge of how to live and worship in order to get rewarded and avoid suffering for the rest of your existence, you can expect go to a paradise upon death and be endlessly happy forevermore.
6.) Once you get to heaven everything will be perfect.

Considering what anyone who's lived on this planet around other actual humans for enough years to develop lanauge can tell you...human nature doesn't abruptly change. 

How can just dying and your spirit leaving your body suddenly make you lose all your humanly errant tendencies? How can you suddenly no longer exhibit any of the natural cravings or behaviors such a dishonesty, jealousy, anger, frustration or laziness?

Some religious people try to say that by being in the presence of our "Lord and Redeemer" we will just "not" feel that way anymore. I'm calling their bluff.

I don't think that it's a light switch we turn on and off: That as long as a person maintains a B average in our Life class on earth that when we all get to heaven (even those with a poor C average who squeaked by at the last minute with a deathbed confessional) that upon being spirited away to the castle in the sky everyone will suddenly be just like the 100% A+ students.

Sorry, but I think that's dumb. Farfetched. You can call it Utopian. I call it surprisingly communistic.  And 100% wishful thinking.
As much as I wish in those things (and hey let's throw in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause and honest politicians while we're at it!) I am too much of realist to believe anymore crap just because it makes me feel good.

It's looking like I will continue to not sleep. But at the very least I can enjoy the idea that I am free to think and do as I want. That I am not locked into thinking a certain way, strung along by someone who's selling me emotional snake oil and psychological band-aids.

If I toss and turn at night, I can at least imagine that when I die there will be an alternative to the fairytales I grew up with. And as a realist, I recognize that it might not be a single thing like the milk and honey concept of golden cities and beautiful white mansions and endless happiness for everyone who managed to NOT kill their neighbors or sleep in every holy day while on earth.

It might in fact be more like endless nothingness. Quiet. Formless. Lacking self awareness.

But you know what? It's nearly 8 in the morning and once again, having slept not at all, day after day, week after week, for several months at a time, stressed to the max about the questions of life and death, justice and mercy, right and wrong, evil and righteous, while trying to get by on a shoestring budget on my own, worrying about increasing political tension, and hoping to figure out something resembling retirement before I die... 

Right about now, all that endless nothingness sounds pretty damn restful.