Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dating: Don't Give Me YOUR Phone Number

So over the weekend I met a guy outside the grocery store. We stuck up a conversation, talked about maybe getting together sometime and he wrote down my number.

I drove away making a mental note of his name and that I should completely forget about him. For at least three days.

There is a tricky and informal etiquette to meeting new people of the opposite gender. Seasoned daters tend to be aware of it, but the young or inexperienced often find it a source of constant frustration.

"Rules" for dating and relationships are changing. Women are being more assertive, guys are having different expectations.

But, regardless of that, biology doesn’t change. Men are the pursuers. They’re the hunter, not the prey. Men want to “catch” a great girl. They don’t want to be “caught”.

A woman can let her interest be known, she can even make the first contact, but should NOT be the one doing all the chasing. Relationships and marriages where men sat back and let the women do all the work of wooing them, never work out.

Guys should always request a girl's phone number, instead of just offering her his. This shows respect. Guys who go around passing out their numbers quickly get labeled “players” and no nice girl wants to get with a player.

If a guy really likes the girl though, he can also offer give her his number, but after he’s asked for hers.

Guys who just give their number out to a girl, or a bunch of girls and then wait to "see what happens" are not really interested in that girl or any of those girls. They’re trying to take the easy way out. If a guy is truly interested in a girl, he would not be afraid to go after her. They would be motivated enough even if there is a chance of rejection, because they’re focused on the goal of the girl actually wanting them back and making some of kind relationship work.

Girls by nature talk longer and more often then guys. They usually crave more conversation and greater intimacy with the people in their lives. They also typically don’t understand why a guy waits days to call her when he says simply “I’ll call you.”

Even the guy saying “I’ll call you later” doesn’t help because this leaves a girl to wonder how much later? Later today? Later this week? Later this month? And trust me, she will wonder.

Guys however don’t want to come across as desperate or infatuated. Calling the same day they get the number could definitely make him seem that way. Calling the next day might seem almost as bad.

So they play it cool and wait a few days before calling. To them this shows the girl that he’s got a life and isn’t going to be puppy-love called and texted all day, every day right from the start.

The girl is typically just disappointed after two days of frowning at her phone. Chances are, she was hoping "later" translated into "a few hours". Unless she didn’t like him or gave him a fake number; then she probably didn’t expect to hear back from him anyway.

But a girl should understand that the wait period doesn't have to be a bad thing. It probably just means the guys knows the "rules" of dating. It takes a while for most girls to learn that guys who call back immediately generally fall into one of three categories: desperate, stalker, player. A guy does not have to wait three days to call the girl. But usually if the guy doesn't pace himself with the initial phone call and taking the process of learning about each other slowly, he's not planning to take his time with the next phases of "getting to know each other" either.

A girl who's looking to actually "date" this guy and not just "hook up", should see the wait as a good thing. But if a guy waits more than four days to get back to a girl, this sends a pretty solid message to her that he’s just not interested.
And any excuse short of being at the hospital, taking care of his sick grandma or being suddenly deployed, if he calls after four or five days there is a good chance the girl is going to figure that the guy is just hoping to shack up with her (aka: booty call) and really isn’t interested in actually dating her. And dating as we know, suggests intent for a potential future relationship.

So a guy who likes a girl, but doesn’t want to send out “desperate” signs or leave a girl puzzled over several days of silence, should say “I’ll call you in a few days”. “I’ll call you later this week” works also.

She might wonder why he needs several days to get back to her, but at least this gives him a few days of leeway and helps ensure that if he gets tied up with things and doesn’t call her in the acceptable three day window, she’s not so pissed off that she won’t take his call.

As with everything, there are exceptions to every rule. If the first encounter is such a chemistry charged experience that neither person can wait another day to bask in each others presence, they can agree to talk as soon as they both want. But if the guy gets the girls digits and looks her in the eyes promising to call her “tonight” or “tomorrow”, he damn well better do it.
Really confident guys who are using to getting girls numbers, feel very comfortable around females in general and aren't concerned with formalities tend to call right away. They also are very likely not intending to "date" the girl they're calling, at least not ever exclusively. These outgoing guys are looking for a good time and with a lot of people. It's nothing personal, but they're not looking for a relationship, never going to meet the girl's parents and aren't thinking any longer term than next weekend's party plans.

Guys who are serious about a one-on-one relationship take their time with the process of getting to know a girl because they don't want to risk screwing it up. Waiting a few days to call and seeing if she's interested in spending time with him helps gauge whether she just gave her number to get him to leave her alone or if she's actually anticipating getting to know him.

A guy who isn’t pursuing a girl, doesn’t really want to be with her. Sure, if she’s willing to sleep with him anyway, then he’ll probably take advantage of the opportunity. But he didn’t consider her someone worth working for to have.

By a guy offering HIS phone number to a girl instead of asking her for HERS, he’s telling her without actually saying it “I’m lazy when it comes to relationships. I don’t think you are worth working for. I’m not willing to chase you.”

Most girls just don’t figure that out, but they DO feel less valued even if they don’t understand why.

Girls who know they want a man who will fight for them, wait for a guy who shows that he’s really interested in her and willing go the distance to win her.
If a guy doesn’t have to earn, fight for or go after something, they never really value it even if they end up getting it without effort.

People don't always ask for a number, or give out their number because they want to talk or meet again. It's a strange and confusing practice.

Sometimes guys don’t know how to end a conversation with a girl they have no intentions of ever speaking to again. Getting a girl's phone number is NOT an acceptable way to say goodbye.

Taking a girl's number and then losing it, pretending to take her number or (worse) giving her his number but then never answering his phone, are guaranteed ways to have his name and face etched in her memory only one way: “Asshole”.

If they work together, have common friends or frequent the same places this could very easily come back to bite him in the butt. It's just as wrong for girls to give guys a fake number. Just be honest if you don't want to talk again.

Saying: “It was nice to meet you.” “Good luck with …{whatever}” or “Have a good day/night” are good ways to both end the conversation and end future interaction.

The phone number thing is not about playing games or silly social rules. It’s about how men and women are biological programmed. Because in spite of all our mental and physical advancements, people are still animals. You don’t see a female lion trying to mount the male lion.

So guys, kindly remember that: Three days is the max to wait before a first call to a girl.

Texting her to say hello and make arrangements to call her are great if done in the first three days as well.

Saying “I’ll call you in a few days” will really take the pressure off you both.


DON’T say you’ll call if you never intend to.

And IF you say you’re gonna call: do it.

1 comment:

Win Mr said...



Has a guy ever given you mixed signals?

One minute he’s crazy about you and the next minute you have no clue if he ever wants to see you again?

And it’s especially hard when there’s something special between you and you have no idea what went wrong.

I assure you it’s nothing that you did.

In fact, he may even care about you a great deal and still not be able to stop himself from acting this way.

But why does this happen?

There’s one BIG reason why men do this...

And I discovered this eye opening video that will shed some light on this bizarre behaviour.

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If it’s missing, he’ll never be able to truly give his heart to you...

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Thanks again.