Thursday, July 2, 2009

10 Questions to Ask Before Proposing

I found this guy on the page linked another site under the blog category from a different site with an image of Michael Jackson that I Google searched.

From what I've read, although we come from quite different demographics- not to mention political preferences- Single Black Male seems to be an intelligent guy with good ideas. I read some of the articles on his page and found him both amusing and informative. I love finding things in common with people and I really enjoy the fact that he and I are both writing about love, relationships and life. He's a really good writer and I encourage you to check out his page.

This is a only slightly modified version of his list, because honestly, some of his questions don't need to be changed. However, like SBM said, as much as I try to generalize this list, it's truly a list of questions that I'd want answered before a marriage proposal.

10. What are your political stances and religious beliefs?

All our views and beliefs don't have to be mirror image, but I've gone down the path of NOT sharing the same core belief systems and honestly that is one do-over I don't want to repeat.

9. Do you plan to gain 30 pounds or more once married?

Like the religion mistake, I somehow thought that by marrying someone who was physically active and in great shape- that they intended to STAY that way. Oops. THAT didn't happen. It's not just the woman who often let themselves go in marriage or relationships. Guys are guilty of it too. And it's not okay. Aging is inevitable but turning into The Stay Puff Marshmallow Man is NOT a part of aging. And chub-a-lub fat on a guy or a girl is just gross. That being said I've been-there-done-that with having children and getting back into I-can't-believe-you've-ever-been-pregnant shape and in under a year. Three times. So I definitely practice what I preach.

8. How many people have you slept with? Do you have any STD's?

I'm gonna be honest when I say I have a healthy sexual appetite and I understand that variety and finding out what you like involves some experimenting. I'd just rather not find out that you've been experimenting with everything with a vagina in the last three states you've lived in and you started when you were 9 with your babysitter. And I don't really want to know everything that you've tried or even the exact number of women (or men) you've been with. I just want to know what the odds are that you've caught something (STDs like HPV don't show symptoms in men), that you've always practiced safe sex and don't get shocked to discover you have a child or two who's momma is going to show up at our doorstep demanding money some day. And yeah, if you've slept with anyone in my family or any of my current good friends- you can show yourself the door.

7. Are you going to do your share around the house/yard?

I'm a home improvement and gardening enthusiast, but I gotta tell you that enthusiasm sours quickly if I'm the only one doing it. I've had at least one job since I was 14 and I intend to always do something to make money. And since I can have a job, raise children, run a house and keep up the yard as a single woman, it should be expected that if we're married, we'll do be doing ALL those things together. Work together, play together, clean together. We need to both be committed to maintaining our lifestyle and that includes the environment we live in. If taking in ESPN is more of a priority than reminding yourself how the dishwasher and washing machine work, and if you don't care that you can't see the sidewalk for the jungle of grass in the front yard, then we're going to be having make-up sex every damn week after I sweetly remind you of your agreement to work together, and THEN you go cut the grass and load the dishwasher. I'm not going to love and live with someone who doesn't care if our house comes crumbling down around us as long as the Cable works or he has a job and hobbies so he's always gone.

6. What are your career plans and dreams?
Everyone needs a five year and 10 year plan. Even the homeless guy collecting quarters in the intersection needs to think about what's his future is going to look like. I want to be with someone who's ambitious, and driven to have a full and successful life. We're not necessarily talking Bill Gates successful (although that is okay too~) but if you've never given a thought to what you'll be doing, and who you'll be in the next ten years- just know that I've experienced living with a guy who went through an (early) mid-life crisis and I really, really don't want to do that again. Spare us both the insanity of that.

5.Have you ever been arrested, admitted to a mental hospital or been to rehab?

Everyone's got something in their past they're not proud of. Armed robbery, schizophrenia and a heroin addiction cannot, will not be the past of anyone I bring into my relationship life. The same goes for addictions to gambling, drinking, strip clubs, porn websites and any other compulsive life-damaging, money-wasting, relationship-destroying behaviors.

4. Are you going to sign this prenuptial?
I might be one of the first women who isn't making a six figure income to insist on a written contract before marriage, but I believe it will continue to become more popular once women realize how effective a prenup can be in protecting them and not just the man. It's not just a given anymore that the male in a marriage will be the one making more money, the only one going into a relationship owning a home or having large assets. And a nice little "in case of infidelity" clause can do wonders for a married woman's confidence. And by the way, if you're caught in Vegas gambling your 401K away and in the arms of a prostitute and you find yourself homeless and without a job after we get divorced, there is no way I'll be paying you alimony.

3. What's your credit score? Where is your money invested?

How a person deals with their money says a lot about their perspective on life, their priorities and their character. If a guy is a sweetheart but a moron with his money, then he's gonna need to take some financial planning classes at the local community college before we tie any knots. There isn't much point in working hard to make money if you don't know what to do with it besides spend it as quickly as you get it. And I definitely don't want to be the only one saving for retirement, family vacations and home improvements. I'm looking for a partner, not another child.

2. How do you feel about children and your role as a father?

Like many things in the last century, the role of parenthood has changed. I firmly believe that it takes two people to create a child and raise a child- and for a good reason. You need to serve as back up for each other so neither goes crazy. I want to be with someone who genuinely enjoys children, is hands on and is loving and playful. The ability to discipline in an effective but not traumatizing way is going to be an issue too. Being actively involved in a child's life from conception on is a must. Our parenting styles need to be at least mostly similar. And this might be asking a lot, but I need to know that you'd be willing to throw yourself in front of a bus- not just for the children we have together, but for the children I already have. Because I'd do the same for yours.

1. Are we going to continue to "get it on" 5 times a week (7 for the first year)?

I'll wait while you pick your jaw up off the floor. Yes, I'm dead serious about this. Regardless of what religion and your parents may have told you, there ARE good women who have healthy sexual appetites. While it's typically the guy who wants insurance for getting laid, ~surprise~ some women want to make sure their man won't get lazy or revert to websites and magazines after the honeymoon bliss wears off. We can keep it as interesting in the bedroom (or dressing room, or back of the car) as we want. As long as no one is getting hurt, we both like it and it doesn't involve animals or other people, as far as I'm concerned it's an option. But 'Put out or get out'. A guy may have coined the expression but it works for both genders.

So there you have it. Along with developing your own Personal Creed, tackling your "Never Done" list and finding out you and your partners Love Languages, creating your own list like this is one more thing to do in your quest for love, success and pursuit of happiness.


Trish said...

I hate to break it to you, Jaclyn, but we can't get married. You scared the honeymoon right out of me. :) I like your proactive approach, though, and I hope your future husband is everything you've asked for and more.

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