Tuesday, April 27, 2010

You Might Be a Freak

In the flavor of “You might be a redneck”… let’s see if you’re secretly (or openly) a freak.

You might be a freak…

* If you have one or more red light bulbs in your bedroom/ bathroom/ boudoir.

* If you have enough sex related products (lubes, toys, etc.) that they have their own special container or drawer.

* If you have ever had any part of another person’s body or inanimate object in your ass.

* If you have ever stuck any part of your body or inanimate object in anyone else’s ass.

* If you have handcuffs, bondage tape, blindfolds or any other tools for restricting movement.

* If you’re into paddles, crops, canes, straps, flogging or punishment play.

* If you have any underclothing made out of leather.

*If you've ever shaved your pubic hair into shapes or designs.

* If you've had your pubic hair waxed or hair laser removed.

* If you've ever used tweezers to remove your pubic hair.

* If you've used Popsicle or ice cubes on your or anyone elses privates.

* If you've ever heated something up or put it in the freezer to use it for sexual play.

* If you’ve used any toy product with the word “gripper, crusher or lifter".

* If you're not a virgin and wore a chastity belt.

* If you ever punished yourself for having sexual thoughts or doing sexual deeds.

* If you have ever tasted your own "fluids".

* If you have clothing or costumes bought or worn specifically for sexual fun.

* If you have ever bought anything that specifically says “edible” on the packaging.

* If your "partner" was a single synthetic body part or required blowing up first.

* If you've used fruits or vegetables during sex and didn't eat them.

* If you’re into licking dessert “toppings” off someone’s body or having them lick them off yours.

* If you have ever used a “safe word”.

* If you get yourself off on a regular basis and have a special word you use to describe the activity.

* If you think Victoria Secret’s selections are “tame” and only for sleeping in.

* If you think Frederick’s of Hollywood’s selections are for daytime wear.

* If you have a frequent buyers card at an “adult book” or “novelty” store.

* If you’ve ever bought enough from an online porn store that you got free shipping or a free toy.

* If you have ever had sex outside, in a car, on a plane, on a motorcycle or in a dressing room.

* If you have ever gotten a hotel room to just use for a few hours that didn’t involve sleep.

* If you have ever borrowed a sexy car or motorcycle but didn’t end up driving it.

* If you have personal experience with “road head”.

* If you have personal experience with “tea bagging”.

* If you have had personal experience with a “Ménage a Trois”

* If you have had more than one kind of “Menage a Trois”.

* If you have ever worn anything that vibrates.

* If you buy rechargeable batteries for your vibrating accessories.

* If you have ever used kitchen utensils, writing utensils, children’s toys or work tools during sex or masturbation.

* If you have ever used a mechanical toothbrush, razor or body massager to get yourself off.

* If you have a dildo.

* If you have a name for your dildo.

*If you have ever used a “strap on”, or had anyone use one on you.

* If you have your nipples, tongue or genitals pierced.

* If you own any porn videos.

* If you have a membership at an online porn site.

* If you visit chat rooms or game rooms to talk about sex or have cyber sex or phone sex.

* If you’ve ever dialed a 1-900 number on purpose.

* If you've ever had sex with someone you just met.

* If you don’t feel the need to hide your Maxim or Hustler magazines because “they’re not porn”.

* If you doodle pictures of naked people when you’re bored.

* If you had any kind of body part obsession or fetish.

* If you have ever ended sex with scratches, bruises, floor burns, bite marks or bleeding.

* If you have ever used knives, razors, thumb tacks or other sharp tools during sex.

*If you have ever had sex while wearing a mask or with someone who was wearing a mask.

* If you've ever had sex with half your clothes still on.

* If you save any of your past lovers underwear.

* If you frequently don’t wear any underwear.

* If you sleep, walk around your house or have ever cooked while naked.

* If you do pole dancing, lap dancing or stripping as workout or as an actual job.

* If you have ever used a sling, swing or harness for sex.

* If you engage in “swinging” and don’t need a swing to do it.

* If you have ever filmed yourself getting yourself off or having sex.

* If you like other people to watch you get off.

* If you have ever tried “rimming, fisting, frottage, flagellation, fellatio or cunnilingus”

* If you have ever cross-dressed when it wasn’t for a Halloween party.

* If you know what GLBT means or the difference between "Transvestite" and "Transsexual".

* If you have ever used or been a “sexual surrogate”.

* If you have ever paid anyone, or been paid by anyone to have sex.

* If when you hear the word “fantasy” the first thing you think is “sex”.

* If when you hear the word “pleasure” the first thing you think is “sex”.

* If when you hear the word “moan” the first thing you think is “sex”.

* If you think the word “pussy” has nothing to do with animals or plants.

* If you have ever bought candles to melt them and make “hot wax”.

* If you have ever used your feather duster but not to actually dust.

* If you have ever bought a Kama Sutra book or calendar just to look at the pictures.

* If you took yoga to get more flexible for sex or to imagine having sex in those positions with other people in your class.

* If you’ve ever bought a yoga or “buns of steel” work out video to jerk off to.

And finally,

* If you’ve ever dressed up in a furry animal costume to have sex…

You Might Be a Freak!

1 comment:

Allan said...

If you can read through that list and not find at least half a dozen things on it that you are "guilty" of then you have lived an incredibly boring life and I pity you.