A Formula for Love?

Romantic love is not calculus. Thank God for that because many of us are terrible at math.

But maybe, just maybe there is a formula for finding your match. Or at least, identifying what kind of person would be your ideal match.

When shopping for a car, choosing jewelry or buying a new lawnmower, I think that there is a process for picking out quality and for finding what is right for you.

And like buying a car, finding a partner can be somewhat confusing. But if you do your homework, you’re more likely to get what you want the first go round by absolutely eliminating what you don’t want and shopping smart for what you do want. That’s right. Dating is remarkably like shopping.

There are millions of cars out there: All different shapes, sizes and colors. Each have different features and come with different grades of accessories. People are the same way. When picking out a car- a person must first take a look at themselves.

What is your lifestyle like? Do you live in the city or choose the country life? What style of car best suits your needs? Is roomy passenger space important or do showy rims suit you better? What features do you consider mandatory and which are really optional? Are you going to actually use the seat warmers or would it be better to focus on an extended warranty? What are your intentions for this car? Do you need a commuter that is economical and business-suit friendly? Or will you need something more rugged that can handle a heavy load and is built for off-roading?

It might surprise you how similar this is to choosing a partner.

Are you looking for someone who is going to enjoy road trips and camping? Or someone who cleans up well and can work a room for a business networking conference and will genuinely enjoy an opera charity banquet? Can you support a home and family on just your income or will you need a partner who can handle having kids and a job? Does the size of her bra matter more to you than whether she’ll stand by you if you lose your hair or job? What if you lose both? Or- ever thought of this… what if she loses her bra size?

Once you’ve identified what style of car you’ll need for your lifestyle, you’ll need to be realistic about what you can afford. This can be the hardest part to admit. Generally speaking, the prettier the car, the more bells and whistles it has, and the more prestigious it is to own- the more it’s going to cost you.

Not surprisingly- people are the same way.

Typically if you’re looking for someone that is going to be the envy of everyone you know- you’re going to need a sizable bank account and/or a lot of time and attention to maintain them. Like luxury cars, people who are exceptional generally hold out for someone who will take exceptional care of them.

Usually people who buy $100,000+ cars, have a clean garage to store them in, take them in for regular oil changes and are meticulous with their interior detailing.

A person who has an impeccable physical appearance, comes from an upscale family and may boast expensive talents, hobbies or education, is going to expect to maintain a certain quality of lifestyle- one that spares no expense. For someone who usually head to a local bar to pick up ‘dates’ and consider grabbing burgers ‘eating out’- their chances of getting with this quality of person, are about as high as affording a Pagani Zonda C12 F.

If you can afford that kind of car, congratulations. Can I get your phone number? (Just kidding!)

Physical appearance and intelligence are the two premiums because they are the most likely to be passed onto their future children. Other features include: talents, education, personal income, potential sizable inheritances and family/connections prestige.


First: make a list first of everything you have to offer a romantic partner. This is like assessing what kind of car you afford. If you’ve got the goods, the chances are higher you can get the upgrades. For a man, height, income and education are going to matter more to women then you might think is fair. Keep in mind though, if you’re planning to have kids, or if they already have kids, they’re just following a natural instinct to find a good provider to ensure their/your kids have a decent quality life and a secure future. If you were a woman, those would matter more to you as well.

Like it or not, money is going to matter at some point to every woman. Maybe not before she has kids, but definitely after. Maybe not when she’s really young, but definitely when she starts to get older. Face it. Money is needed for every basic necessity and definitely every luxury in the world.

But back to your list. You can give yourself bonus points if:
• you have a job w/ dependability
• you have a degree
• you have a six figure income
• you own a successful business
• you’re over 6 feet tall
• you’re the sole owner of a home or condo or property
• you own a clean reliable car
• you don’t have debt or a car payment
• you’re under 40
• you don’t have kids
• you have an especially attractive face
• your dad and both your grandfathers have full heads of hair
• your body fat is 12% or lower
• your family has a history of longevity (long life) and no personality disorders
• you don’t need regular doses of prescription drugs to live a normal life (ie: anti-anxiety or anti-psychotic medication)
• you don’t have a chemical abuse problem and you don’t smoke
• you have a fairly normal family and a good relationship with them
• you have famous or wealthy parents, grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins
• you have musical or artistic abilities
• you are a celebrity or publicly well-known
• you have an IQ of 130 or higher
• you have useful and specialized talents or skills

These are provable statistics. Everything on this list can be verified in ways that would stand up in court. Any of these can be proved by government statements (DMV, banks, etc.) tests given by certified professionals or genetic testing. When going through a professional matchmaker, these are the kinds of stats they’ll start off with in creating you a profile.

If you can legitimately claim more than 80% of the qualities listed- chances are you could date/marry/have children with just about any woman of your choosing (who isn’t already taken!). A woman who can claim 80% of qualities indicating good genetics, superior intelligence and financial security could likewise date/marry/have children with just about any man of their choosing.

The average person only has a handful of these though. Might as well focus on your strengths rather than dwelling on things you cannot change (like your genetics, your family history or your IQ) and focus on improving the ones you can control (like body fat percentage, income, getting a degree, etc.)

The next list of qualities are character traits that general cannot be “proved” but are just as valuable. Things like being: generous, honest, cheerful, patient, kind hearted, loyal, considerate, hard working, romantic, adventurous, playful, responsible, morally ethical, non-abusive, good with kids, good communicator, respectful, emotionally supportive, emotionally grounded/stable, monogamous, non-jealous, modest (not too proud), affectionate, confident, easy going, self-reliant, altruistic etc.

Next, make a list of everything you’d like to have in a partner. Detail all the qualities you’d ideally like to have and star next to the ones that you consider mandatory. Don’t get so caught up in the physical category that you forget things like loving nature, rational behavior and loyalty.

You can think of comparing the lists as bartering. You may not have the height, but maybe you have the income. You may not have the home, but maybe you have the education. As long as what you are offering is fair with what you are requesting, you’re likely to find a compatible match.

An overweight high school drop out who is on unemployment, is ‘4:20 friendly’ in their spare time and is living with their parents is never going to score a playboy model rocket scientist who plays semi-pro tennis in her spare time and has a vacation home in Madrid! That kind of guy fantasy is only in the movies. The unrealistic, never-gonna-happen-in-real-life movies.

There are several additional ways to find out compatibility with another person. Obviously the more ways you can establish compatibility with someone, the stronger your chances of maintaining a strong bond with them; be that in a relationship or a commitment like marriage.


Astrology is one of the ways. While some people chalk it up as not ‘scientific’, there is an astrology listing as a resource on virtually every email and bringing-people-together site. This would suggest that a fairly large percentage of the dating community considers it at least worth checking out. If you know your Sun sign, this site will show you “at a glance” what signs you are compatible with.
http://www.astrology-online.com/love.htm

If you do a little more research, you can find out if your Moon signs are also compatible. At the following link you can find out if your Venus (planet of love) signs are compatible.
http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/venusvenussynastry.html

Eastern or Chinese astrology signs also predict compatibility.

Helen Fisher an anthropologist who specializes in romantic relationships came up with a series of questions to find out which two of the four categories you are foremost: Explorer, Builder, Director, Negotiator. According to her research and experience with Chemistry.com, there is a very real way of predicting who will choose who out of a room of single people- based upon their dominant personalities. The test to discover your personality type can be found in her book “Why Him? Why Her?”, or online at the following link:
http://www.chemistry.com/whyhimwhyher/

The Five Love Languages are a list of the five ways to show someone love and respect. Everyone has an order of importance they’d put them in. The top two you’d want and respond to the best is quite telling about you. Knowing your top two, and those of a partner are important to making each other feel loved and cared about. While you don’t have to have the same order, sharing at least one of your top two will help increase your compatibility since showing each other love and receiving love from them will much easier and require less effort.

While there are likely dozens of other ways to test compatibility, combining these is probably a good start to discovering your ideal mate.

To use myself as an example, My:
Western astrology: Sun: Gemini
Eastern astrology: Horse
Personality type: Negotiator/Explorer
Top 2 Love Languages: Physical Touch and Quality Time

My Best Compatible Partner would be some combination of the following:
Western astrology: Sun: Aquarius, Aries, Leo or Libra
Eastern astrology: Tiger, Horse or Dog
Personality type: Director/Explorer or Director/Negotiator
Top 2 Love Languages: Physical Touch or Quality Time

If only we could all walk around with signs that list these qualities, how much easier would it be to find the love of our lives? If nothing else we certainly could all save ourselves a lot of time and effort not focusing on the wrong people!


Finding someone with the correct combination of characteristics is like discovering a sequence for opening a lock to a person’s heart. Using this formula for checking out potential partners is almost guaranteed to cause one of you fall for the other. But there is no sure fire way to ensure you’ll both fall in love with each other. And, it has to be said, there are the rare exceptions to every rule.

After all, while breaking everything down scientifically and mathematically is fascinating and can maximize efficiency… some things need to be left to chance.

Love for Cheap Dates

Dinner and a movie. A movie and dinner. How did that become the standard for dating?

After finding myself single and getting out into the dating scene again, the invitation for that specific combination of “getting to know you” activities just keeps coming up. And I have a theory about it.

It’s lazy. It’s boring. It doesn’t even make sense.

The way I see it is if you’re dating someone, the idea is to get to know them better. In a movie theater you can’t talk to them. You can’t even see them! So after one and a half hours of sitting just a foot away from them, you don’t know them any better then you did when first meeting them! And if the movie wasn’t to their (or your) liking, that’s $18 badly spent.

As for dinner there is an absurdly long list of things to worry about and potential problems. Does the girl let the guy order for her? If he’s paying for dinner, he might think he’s supposed to or is entitled to. Who’s picking up the tab? Does he get it? Do they split it two ways? Order separately? If you order a large meal will you terrify your date into thinking you have an appetite (and potentially the waist line) of a full back? Will the guy be irritated if he’s paying for it and his date can’t finish it?

The dinner dates I’ve had where the entire experience transpired in an eatery often left me racked with questions. Should I forgo a desert? What does it mean if he orders an alcoholic beverage during our first meeting? What if I get something stuck between my teeth, spill food on my clothes or worse, knock my date’s drink into their lap?

When meeting something for the first time, you want to talk to this person and get to know them. That is after all the entire point of getting together. But how can you do that when you’re eating? You’re already dealing with drippy sauces, too much or not enough silverware and the persistent worry that you chew your food weird. How can you also be expected to be a charming and interesting conversationalist?

You only have one shot at a first impression. You want to be memorable. Doing the ‘same old thing’ isn’t memorable. Doing something new and different is. Trying something for the first time even if it’s something simple adds excitement to the experience. And some of the best dates I’ve gone on, didn’t cost a thing.

It is possible to be an amazing date, but not spend a ton of money. Being a good cheap date doesn't mean being stingy or selfish. It's not about finding out how you even feel about someone before deciding whether to spend money on them. Being a good cheap date is about being so creative, imaginative and playful that the kinds of dates you do are amazing without costing much or any money. Being a good cheap date requires more thoughtfulness and humor than being an expensive date. It’s not about how much money you spend, it’s about how you spend your time and energy.

Get Outside
• Take a hike/ walk at a local National Park or Botanical Gardens. Even your local Plant Nursery is nice to take a stroll through.
• Toss around a softball or Frisbee or kick around a soccer ball at a neighborhood park.
• Shoot some hoops at a high school’s outdoor court after school hours or on the weekends if your local park doesn’t have a court.
• Go for jog or bike ride together
• Play a friendly game of tennis


Get Active
• Hit the batting cages
• Walk (or run) along the beach/ lake
• Head out to a swimming pool
• Go tubing in a lake
• Ice skate, Inline skate or Roller skate (indoors or outside)
• Window shop through a shopping center
• Play miniature golf
• Join a pick-up game of volleyball at the beach or local rec center


Get Cultured
• Check out a local art gallery
• Take random photos of the city, countryside or historical site
• See what’s new at a Museum
• Check out a local music venue
• Go to an Ethnic celebration/ festival (Indian Powwow, Celtic celebration etc.)
• Go to a book signing at a bookstore
• Go to a poetry reading


Getting Hungry?
• Check out your local farmer’s market
• Get ice cream or fresh fruit at a grocery store to eat while walking around town or at a park.
• Pack a picnic and take it with you on an excursion
• Get meal-on-the-go bars or snacks at a local health food store



Staying Indoors
• Head to Arcades
• Check out a local high school or college musical or theater performances
• Go to a local high school or college sport event
• Try out Karaoke
• Go to a drive in movie theater
• Meet at a large store where you share an interest: music, sports, books, electronics, etc.
• Go nighttime bowling
• Shoot pool
• Pick out wacky clothing or shoes at a mall for each other to try on
• Build an elaborate maze for a pet mouse or hamster
• Go to a comedy club

Do Something Productive
• Volunteer together for a local clean up or local event
• Do a charity run or walk
• Volunteer at a animal shelter or check out a pet store
• Get certified together for First Aid and CPR training
• Help someone paint- a room, a fence, a piece of furniture, etc.
• Go to a salvage yard and find something to fix up and find a use for it.
• Create a scavenger hunt
• Help out with a community project
• Plant flowers, trees or shrubs in your yard, for a church or nature reserve
• Buy a bunch of flowers or balloons to pass out at an old folks home or hospital
• Put together a neighborhood garage sale or one with all your friends


Anything But Ordinary
• Go to a theater audition together
• Take a tour of a factory
• Draw a mural with chalk at a park or on your sidewalk
• Go to your local courthouse and watch a trial
• Go to a costume party
• Check out a flea market or various garage sales
• Attend open houses for homes being sold (just don’t take their paperwork unless you might buy)
• Try out your local public transportation: bus, Trolly, Subway, BART, ferry
• Go to a technology or science expo
• Test drive cars together
• Go play Bingo
• Find and go through a corn or hedge maze
• Attend a benefit concert
• Find a good place at night to star gaze
• Find a hill and fly a kite. Better yet, make the kite together and then fly it.
• Volunteer at a animal shelter or check out a pet store
• Check out local events at Convention center- gem show, gun show, craft show,
• Take a free foreign language class together
• Take a train ride to anywhere
• Find a multiple person bike to ride
• Host a costume party, plan it together
• Take a Haunted house/ mystery house tour

If you happen to have to have a little more cash to spend or are willing to invest more time, there are other ideas that are far from ordinary.

Creative Dating Ideas
• Go Fishing
• Go to an Amusement park
• Go skiing or snowboarding
• Take a class together – art, dancing, pottery, photography, martial arts (these can be pretty inexpensive at a community center, community college or through a church)
• Rent or borrow a Canoe
• Go horse back riding
• Try out archery
• Go to a shooting range
• Try out go karts
• Rock climb at a local climbing gym
• Go to a local Fair
• Attend a sporting event you don’t typically watch (Martial arts tournament, Horse competition, dog racing, ballroom dance)
• Get dressed and go to an Opera or Broadway musical
• Sign up to be extras in a film
• Check out your local country club event
• Take a road trip
• Go to a sports or boot camp together
• Get tickets to be in the audience of a televised show
• Go to the circus, zoo, aquarium or water theme park
• Take a musical instrument class together (percussion, etc.)
• Go sky diving or bungee jumping
• Go water skiing or rent jet skis
• Go on a one day cruise
• Enroll in "circus school" together
• Go to a Murder Mystery Restaurant
• Go on a backpacking trip


My sister told me about a date she and her boyfriend came up with. They bought water flotations beds and remote control boats, headed out to a lake and floated around the lake racing their little boats. They'd taken a picnic lunch with them and made a day of it.

Everyone loves novelty. Thanks to Google it’s easy to find out what’s happening in your area. Check out your local events or those in neighboring cities. It may surprise you what exciting things are happening that you’re completely unaware of. Combine any number of these for a truly unique experience.

Regardless of your budget or skill levels, whatever else might be said of you, no one will ever be able to call you a boring date.

A Bird In the Hand...

is not better than two in the nest.

For some species around the world, when a male bird wants to attract just the right female to start a life with, he builds a nest.

The striking yellow and black markings of the Ploceidae or Weaver bird reminds one of an industrious bumble bee. Found in Africa, Asia and Australia, this ambitious bird scopes out choice territory for a home and then weaves an elaborate tear drop shaped nest from leaves, twigs and other plant fibers. He then hangs around his house maintaining it, advertizing to the females that he is a good provider and is ready for love and commitment.

Males of the human variety might want to follow his example.

As some of my buddies are edging up into their late 20’s and beyond, I’ve been hearing a lot of the same comments:

“I’m tired of the club scene and choosing between having room mates or living alone.”

“I don’t think I’ll meet the kind of girl I want to settle down with, in a bar.”

“I’m not really interested in just 'having a good time' anymore.”

“I want to start a life with a good woman and maybe think about having a few kids.”

Having gotten their youthful rambunctiousness out of their systems, these guys are ready for the next phase of their lives. Ready to commit themselves to one woman. Ready to shoulder the responsibility of adulthood and possibly fatherhood.

The torch has been passed to the next generation of society-productive, family-raising men, and they’re looking for a place to put it.

I recommend in a home. Their own home.

While this dip in the economy might mean a lot of negative things in the grand scheme of things, on a small scale it could be helpful to those looking to buy a house. Particularly for first time home buyers.

With home sales flooding the real estate market, a person with good credit and a stable income has a pretty good selection virtually anywhere in the nation. Add to that the recent and overwhelming number foreclosures the banks are eager to turn around, and the price ranges are looking more reasonable. You’ll get more home (and property) for your dough. (Eh, I mean for your Doe.)

The first thing you’re going to want to do when prepping to buy a home is make sure your credit is as a squeaky clean as you can make it.

• Pay off those credit cards. If you’ve been on time with your payments and your interest rates are higher than 8%, call customer service and see if they’ll lower them. You don’t want to have any cards with interest rates in the 20’s or above. Rates like those are typically given to people with unreliable payment histories or with no existing credit history. To a mortgage loaning bank, this will make you look like a high risk customer.

• Avoid going to a ‘debt consolidation’ company. Despite what they tell you, it WILL hurt your credit more to try to reduce your debt through one. It shows up negatively on your credit report which will be viewed when you attempt to get a loan or make a purchase that requires financing. Not all debt consolidation companies even do what they say they’ll do. Some just take your money and can completely ruin your credit.

• Pay off your vehicle and those student loans. The less debt you have, the more money you can put towards a mortgage, larger loan you can get and the lower your interest rate might be.

• Find out your credit score. You may already have a credit card that you can use to obtain this information. Call the customer service number on the back of your card to find out. Or you can check through various online sources. http://www.myfreecreditscore.com/?sid=11401&ad=11401

Take a look online at homes in the area you’re planning to buy. Keep in mind that while a tiny house might suit your former bachelor needs, a wife (and potential children) will be happier with more living and playing space.

A Google search should pull up various real estate sites with pictures, prices and sometimes virtual tours. Pick out something you like in the of area you’d like possibly live and use that median price to crunch numbers with. (I'll get to that in a minute)

Important things to keep in mind when looking at a future home:

• How close is it to parks, schools, rec centers, stores and family friendly locations?

• How far is it from your job? From freeway/highway on and off ramps?

• Is is located next to a power plant, landfill or some else that is unpleasant and potentially dangerous?

• Is the neighborhood in a friendly, safe and clean area?

• Does the home have niceties that will appeal to a woman? A roomy, fully working kitchen? A washer and dryer? Closet space in every room? Will you want or need more than a one car garage?

• What kind of yard does it have? What other features would you want in a home?

After you've chosen something you like, run the price through an online mortgage calculator to get a rough idea if this is a house you can afford. How much of a down payment you can make, what your credit score is, what your income is and where you buy a house all affect your buying power. The larger your down payment, typically the smaller your monthly payments.

This web site does a great job breaking down for you your monthly payment and how much of your money goes to interest vs. the principle over the course of a typical 30 year mortgage. http://www.yourmortgagecalculator.com/

Get pre-qualified for a home loan. Once you’ve done your own leg work, have a real estate agent or lender go over the numbers with you. If you have a few credit cards or existing loans you can pay off in a short amount of time, do that before taking this step.

If you haven't had your current employment for at least a year, you are self employed or have trouble verifying your income, ask your lender about a 'no document loan.' This might increase your interest rate a bit, but it could still get your foot in the door to your own new home.

Houses are expensive. But there are special programs available for low income or single parent home buyers.
http://www.homebuyinginstitute.com/

Going through HUD to buy a home that was foreclosed on by the previous owners could get you a pretty good deal. Banks are often eager to sell these and recoup their losses. It’s worth taking a look.

Other good sites for getting first home buyer information:

http://homebuying.about.com/od/buyingahome/bb/shopping1sttime.htm

http://first-time-home-buyer-s.com/

When the time comes to actually go look at the houses, it wouldn’t hurt to take along a female friend or family member. Especially if they have children, they are sure to notice details you may not have considered. Talk to other home owners. Ask how the process went, how long it took and what successes and pitfalls they experienced. They might also be able to recommend a great real estate agent.

Whether or not you can afford to buy a home or a condo right now, you should start stashing away as much money as you can every month for a down payment. The more you can pay up front will greatly reduce the amount you’ll have to finance, how much interest you’ll end up paying and how long you’ll be paying off your house. Saving money now allows you save even more later. Your minimum goal amount should be $10,000. Put it in a savings account with a high interest rate that you can’t access with an ATM card so you won't be tempted to use for other purchases.



According to the National Association of Home Builders, almost 2/3 of first time home buyers are around the age of 33 or younger. If you're much younger than that, you're getting an excellent jump on demonstrating you're mature, responsible and a good provider. And what woman doesn't love those qualities in a man?

So if you’re ready for a mate, it just might be time to get started on that nest.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

A buddy of mine, who is ironically down on relationships as a whole, recently indicated that he had become involved in a romantic relationship.

I swear it sounded like he was dragged into it kicking and screaming against his will. Apparently after meeting this girl through mutual friends and spending some time with her, his heart became dipped in a gooey candy filling, coated with a fine layer of quick-drying cement and tossed out to sea.

“It won’t last” he stated glumly. Aside from this being a long distance relationship that seemed to be a pretty pessimistic way to start off one of life’s more emotionally rewarding experiences!

Romance is something we seem to be born both wanting and fearing. It’s normal, but completely life changing. It touches us all at some point, mostly to tease us with what we want, what we think we want and what we expect love to be like. But romance in real life is not the quick fix of perfect characters who will live happily ever after upon meeting each other. It’s not the great epic of books and sure as hell isn’t the gushy, everything-will-be-alright-now experience that the movies make it out to be.

I think we’re all doing it wrong.

We’re certainly going about it all wrong.

A person must first know THEMSELVES- who they are, what they want, what they’re about BEFORE they’re ready to join their lives with another person. Only a person who likes themselves can find happiness in a relationship.

Too many people go into relationships with crazy expectations of another person. They feel they NEED someone who will MAKE them happy, complete them and fulfill them. But if you are not enough alone, you will never be enough with someone else.

No one can complete you. You have to complete yourself.

The true risk in a romantic relationship has nothing to do with needing someone, but everything to do with vulnerability. For that is what love does to a person: it renders them open and emotionally vulnerable. And while the fear of that causes many people to shy away from hope that their affections will be returned, as my friend can attests- love takes you hostage. It sneaks up on you and smacks you in the head with a brick.

Initially though, that first phase of “love” is just a great deal of attraction. True love doesn’t come until after you know a person- really know them. It’s not possible to know if you love someone the first day, week, or even month of knowing them. You might think you love them, but really, its just infatuation. That strong sense of “OMG, this person is AMAZING- EXACTLY what I’ve always looked for and wanted!”

But as most people have experienced in their life, once a little time has lapsed, they come to eventually see this person IS in fact human; prone to human mistakes, problems, issues and foibles. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you can’t expect being with this person or any other person to make all life’s problems go away. And you can’t expect that being in love with this person will transform you or them into being super human.

While it may seem like a good idea to move in together, get married or commit to each other while you’re still in the giddy, love-drunk phase of attraction- it’s a huge mistake.

People who ACT on their obsessions with another person, BEFORE they’ve had a chance to see all the sides of them- get themselves into trouble. They end up legally bound to each other in married, living together, promised to each other or having children- with someone they don’t really know. And then making the relationship work is harder than it would have ever been, because they feel trapped in the relationship. Stuck with the cement shoes, pulled down by the undertow of impulsive choices. In over their heads in frigid water, and now with none of the lovey-dovey feelings to get them through the tough times.

And THAT is also largely because after feeling of elation from just being around the person they’re infatuated had passed, their biggest question is: What will ‘I’ get out of this relationship? What will this person do for ‘ME’? What will they do to make ME feel loved, wanted, needed, satisfied?

Love is about giving, NOT getting. It’s about finding someone you want to bestow all the beauties and pleasure of the world on.

You get joy out of making THEM happy and bettering THEIR life. You can’t go into a relationship expecting the other person to make YOU happy. Your focus should be on making THEM happy. If they truly love you back, they will inevitably make it their job to try to please you in every way they can- but you’ll be too ridiculously giddy with the thrill of devoting yourself to them, to even notice. As long as you give more than you expect to get- your heart is in the right place.

Figuring out the best way to show you love someone can be tricky. We don’t all respond to things the same way and we all have different ideas on how love can and should be shown. Fortunately, there is a very good guide put out by Gary Chapman that breaks it down and makes it wonderfully easy to please the person you care about, and tell them how to make you feel loved. For more on this, check out The Five Love Languages.

If however, your love interest doesn’t love you back, you’ll have to make a choice. Accept that the feelings are not mutual and cut them loose, or turn yourself into their personal slave trying to make them love you and eventually become bitter, cynical and empty because you wasted valuable time with someone who is happy to take what you have to offer, but cannot return your love.

It would seem like a pretty straightforward choice.

But as most people can attest, the heart is not rational. It doesn’t care about logic. It does what it damn well wants to, without rhyme or reason. It sends your feelings lilting; flings you up to the clouds, blissfully soaring on warm waves of giddy anticipation and then lets you slam back to the hard unforgiving earth, aching and slightly numb, shocked, confused as hell and wallowing in a sudden darkness of depression and self-doubt.

Most people’s hearts have betrayed them at some point: Allowing them to fall deeply for the completely wrong person. Leaving them vulnerable to rejection and despair.

Some people stay in a one-sided relationship thinking (or hoping) the other person will eventually come to realize what they’ve got and suddenly pour out a truckload of affection on them like a lifetime of overdue Christmas presents plus interest. People don’t work that way though. Either they’re emotionally and physically committed to you or they’re not. And either you’re emotionally mature enough to respect yourself, recognize that and end the relationship, or you aren’t.

Waiting around for someone to “see the light” will just be a fruitless waste of your time and energy. You’re better off trying to twist in a light bulb backwards. You’ll just get insanely frustrated and still be standing around in the dark.

Falling in and out of love is a human condition. It’s part of the human experience. As independent as people are born wanting to be, it’s unnatural for someone to be completely alone all their life. Everyone who hasn’t been in love yet, wants to. Those who are currently in love, desperately hope to stay that way. Those who had love and lost it, long to have it back.

Everyone wants to be in love, even when they claim they don’t. The feelings of euphoria and excitement from intense attraction to another person are unlike any other sensation in the world and it’s a very addicting feeling. Just thinking about it, talking about it and reading about it is thrilling.

There are programs available on every media format available to educate you on the process. You can take college classes, attend seminars or hire a special therapist to talk about everything from communication, to delving into subconscious relationship failure triggers, to ways to steam up your sex life. About 80% of all songs croon, morn or reminisce about love and relationships with other people. Even most religious songs are about love and devotion to some greater being.

A good question is though: Can you help whom you fall in love with? Is it something that you have no control over? Or can you tell that surge of intense magnetic attraction and primal physical response that renders you ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ overwhelmed… “Nah, I’m good! Haha. Thanks anyway!” Or can you tell your rational self: “This person has all the qualities I was hoping to find- now make me love them!”

For the person who’s fallen hopelessly and hopefully in love with another person, the answer would be an easy “No.” You find yourself magnetically drawn to a person who is somehow able to tug at you heartstrings without your consent and that can be excruciatingly pleasurable or painful. Sometimes, it’s both.

Either way, it’s a good idea for a person to make a list of all the qualities they would like to have in a love partner, and rank which ones are most important and which ones are negotiable. You haven’t a hope of finding a good match for you, if you have no idea what you’re looking for~

I’ve been reading a lot about love and relationships for the last year and even checked out the “Catch Him And Keep Him” program by Christian Carter for women. It seems to be pretty informative, but very wordy. Christian offers brilliant gems of advice that really seems like common sense, but it takes him half an hour to spit one out. If you can hang in there, he’ll impress you.

A buddy of mine tried out the “Double Your Dating” program by David DeAngelo. I haven’t checked it out, but he seemed to think pretty highly of it. I might take a look at it just to see what advice the guy is giving out about girls.

The truth is though, a person can paint all the pictures they want of the kind of person they intend to fall for, but sometimes what we think we want, and what we discover we want, are usually not exactly the same thing. If however, there are certain things you really need or want in another person, and they’re not in the person you’re going gaga over, it might be wise for you to accept it’s a bad match and move on.

For while everyone wants to be loved and it may be difficult to impossible to control whom you fall in love with, it’s wise and best to take care who you commit yourself to.

As Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof” cautions his young daughter from making a hasty marriage to a local boy from a very different culture and religious background: “A bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home together?”

Neal Clark Warren wrote a fantastic book called “Finding The Love of Your Life”.
It’s a slim but profound book. Neil covers ten principles in his book, but I think when it comes down to whether a relationship will last, it really depends on two things:

1. Compatibility. Are you two enough alike? Do you have enough in common that you honestly enjoy being around each other? Are your communication styles similar enough that you will be able to express everything from love to frustration with each other and be able to understand each other? Are your temperaments and general moods agreeable with each other? Are your life goals and desires more or less the same? Will you be growing together in life, going in the same direction? Are your perspectives on life, love, religion, politics, morals, childrearing, careers and other major issues along the same lines? Do you want mostly the same things?

You don’t want to be a clone of the person you’re involved with, but if you don’t have at least MOST of the same dreams, desires and interests, you’re chances of staying together are pretty low.

Conversely, the more things you have in common, the greater chances that you’ll generally like the person and get along with them even when the sizzle of first hormonally charged encounters turns into something more friendly and less intense.

2. Commitment. Are you committed to each other? Are you both in it for the long term? Will you not back down or run away when the going gets tough? (And it WILL most assuredly get tough!) Are you determined to please this person, try to understand them, compromise with them, work along side them and provide them with all the love and attention you are capable of giving? Are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to share your life with them? Are they also willing to make those sacrifices?

Seriously think about what kinds of sacrifices you’re willing to make to be with them. Change careers? Move hundreds or thousands of miles away to create a new home? Accept their past and baggage?

If you both can’t answer an overwhelming “yes” to all of those, you’re better off getting off this high speed train before it hits a momentum that a last resort of jumping from, could be fatal.

I’ve heard that the similarities you share with someone, are what bonds you. The differences between you are what challenge you and stimulate interest. And your commitment to love and care about each other are what keep everything together.

Ultimately what makes love so completely amazing, is when you love and care about someone else just as strongly and at the exact same time that they love and care about you.

Love is not about being swept away alone with your gooey heart and cement boots, it’s about being swept away together, with hope and adoration, respect and a desire to bring joy to this person for as long as you are able.

Either way, I wouldn’t say I’m down on love right now. I’m just actively avoiding it. I’m not ready to deal with the highs or the lows and am planning to keep my heart on the shelf for a while to come. They say you often find love when your not looking for it. But love had better watch out. I’m pretty tough and if love comes after me with a brick or a shovel- I’m not giving in without a fight.

If I fall in love any time soon- it will be going down swinging.

Blowfish Testicles Can Kill You

It would seem the human appetite for adventure and risk-taking outweigh certain dangers (such as death); a thing which is tried and tested on a pretty regular basis.
Tuesday’s online MSNBC news included an article detailing how 7 diners experienced “limb paralysis, trouble breathing and started losing consciousness” after ingesting improperly cooked Blowfish testicles at a Tokyo restaurant with an unlicensed chef. Blowfish is reportedly 100 times more poisonous than potassium cyanide. Eating it wrong can kill you in 30 minutes.
Apparently blowfish don’t want you to chop off and eat their testicles.

On a recent episode of ‘CSI- New York’ a vindictive chef murders a dissatisfied customer with a small live (and quite toxic) octopus. An online casting call for this particular episode stated those interested in being extras in the film must actually eat real exotic “gourmet” bug and critter appetizers and “act like they enjoy them”. It was incidentally, a paid gig.

Shows like “Fear Factor” have capitalized on the average person’s phobias and horrors of the eight legged, bloody or slimy kind and parts of animals typically not eaten here in the United States. But that doesn’t stop people from signing up, gagging down the pig’s tongue or sheep uterus, bobbing for objects in a vat of 50 gallons of cows blood or whatever can be described as revolting and the show producers can legally get away with “serving”. Contestants hope to avoid the embarrassment of vomiting on national television and possibly go home from $25,000 to $50,000 richer. Either way, win or lose, there is a good chance their stomachs and bowels will give them an ass chewing afterwards.

In certain countries the demand for frog legs is potentially wrecking havoc on local and distant habitats and perhaps causing some species of the amphibians to boarder on extinction. Get that? Frogs are being eaten to death.

France and then (surprisingly) the US are the two largest importers of this particular delicatessen. Apparently though, what high-brow eaters consider fine dining is a staple dish in various Asian countries. A New Scientists Environment Internet article credits Indonesia as the world’s largest exporter of frog meat. 5,000 tons of frog meat finds it’s way from their lands to kitchens in France, Belgium and Luxemburg each and every year. That’s just Indonesia’s exporting number. Who knows how many frogs get chopped, fried, baked and buttered by their locals every year. The amount of frogs ingested internationally is closer to between 200 million and 1 billion frogs every year. Holy crap. That’s a lot of frogs.

The thing is, people all over the world do actually eat them, along with an assortment of other creepy crawlies, predators (snakes, sharks, etc.) and rodents. Ick. I’d rather leave those parts of the food chain to predators you typically see on “Wild Kingdom” or “The Discovery Channel”.

While this past year has been a fairly cuisine exploratory one for me, what I’ve been “experimenting” with sounds down right dull compared to the cuisine other’s don’t think twice about eating. My list for the year:

Deep-fried Alligator Tail
(AJ Gators, Virginia Beach)

Glazed Duck, Seaweed Salad
(Empire Bar and Bistro, Norfolk)

Elk Steaks
(Central Meats, Chesapeake)

Scallops
(Mai, Mai, Virginia Beach)

Crab cakes
(at a Military party, Virginia Beach)

Calamari
(Cheesecake Factory, Virginia Beach)

She-Crab soup, Lobster
( , Virginia Beach)

Pretty tame huh? Although I’ve had ample opportunities, I’m still leery about trying sushi, anything overly spicy and anything I can’t pronounce. But I think I’m making HUGE strides, given that my idea of daring eating used to be ordering the grilled chicken with mango salsa instead of the grilled rosemary chicken.

Seriously.

A bout of food poisoning when I was 18 from an undercook lamb chop stifled my interest in anything more exciting than beef or chicken. For a very long time afterwards I place meat orders as: “Well Done please. A-little-charred-is-fine-and-no-I-don’t-mind-waiting.”

If you’ve ever had food poisoning and have experienced the total body rejection of all your stomach contents, possibly even losing a few chunks of your intestines or a misplaced scrap of something you ate four years ago, you know the agony of retching all hours of the night every 15 minutes until you’ve gone long past the stinky canary yellow stomach acids and reach the point of dry heaving that you hit an almost meditative, almost out-of-body experience and wonder if this might be what a death by dehydration feel like.

According to the American Medical Association, about 76 million people get food-related illness in the USA alone, killing on average 5,000 people and hospitalizing another 300,000. There is no information on how many of these were exotic food related.

An article written by Joe Sharkey for The New York Times quotes food safety specialists that recommend when eating while traveling or possibly eating cuisine your body isn’t used to (think critters most people buy pesticides to eradiate from their lives) or meats that are undercooked (aka: not Well Done) you should avoid drinking milk or eating dairies and pass on medications that reduce the acid from the stomach.

Taking medications like Prilosec, Nexium, Aciphex or Prevacid might help with ulcers and gastro esophageal reflux disease, but they might also increase your odds of getting food poisoning since they reduce the stomach acids that are intended to kill and break down anything that finds it's way into your stomach.

Also, when eating overseas the recommendation is to avoid buffets and to wash and peel fruits and cook vegetables before eating them. And of course, wash your hands since there is a good chance you’ve picked up some creepy crawlies of the microscopic variety during your traveling. A tiny bottle of hand sanitizer can spare you a night of a night of cozying up to the nearest available plumbing.

Anyway, whether you’re into exotic dining, just want to enjoy an evening out, or find yourself eating forgien fare during your travels, Bon Appetite.

Oh, and just one more suggestion…

I’d pass on the Blowfish Testicles.

Slick Plastic Bondage

It feels great. Actually, it feels amazing. I have to take one more peek, just to make sure it’s real. It is. And I’m thrilled. I’m so proud of myself.

The neat column of zeros stare back at me like blank eyes off my Microsoft Excel spread sheet. I click back to my online banking page and note with satisfaction that the final payments are set up already to execute my final burden of credit debt in the next 14 days. Then the one row glaring out red numbers of credit card bondage that mar a page of otherwise satisfied debtors, will be reduced to impotent, tidy black zero eyes too.

Sweet.

I started 2008 off with seven credit cards; each with a hefty balance on them. A couple cards were completely maxed out. Unchecked spending during marriage, a drastic cut in income after separation and the tumultuous times following a divorce can do that to you.

Today, I paid off my sixth credit card. In two more weeks, I will have paid off all my cards. Given the unpredictable flux in my income over the past year, unexpected expenses, the inevitable holidays, birthdays and special occasions, and the temptation to supplant my actual ‘needs’ with more than the occasional ‘wants’, that’s a bit of a feat.

But then, I started my radical financial changes even before the media and stock markets indicated a needed shift in America’s spending habits. I didn’t have much say in the way the financial end of my co-household was ran pre-singledom, but it’s exclusively my decision now. I’m downright aggressive when I want something. And I want to be debt free, a.s.a.p. Sometimes just throwing money at the problem really IS the answer.

Credit cards are a magical thing. They appear to instantly give you hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars worth of buying power you didn’t have to previously earn.
But that tricky interest rate and the deceptive minimum payments will do a serious hocus-pocus on your future income and lifestyle if you allow your account statements do a disappearing act after receiving them every month.

That’s why I set up bill-pay through my bank that offers on-line banking. No more trying to keep up on current postage. No more bouncing checks or wondering why money miraculously vanished from my account (after forgetting about writing a check). And no more hoping my account balance will be the same as the last time I called or received a statement when I’m planning a grocery shop or a big purchase.

I put all my accounts under a “favorites” category called Bills and created log in accounts with each of them. It was surprisingly easy. It's great to be able to check my bank account from a computer with Internet access anywhere in the country, even if I'm no where near my bank and don't have access to a phone to call them.

I also set up an Excel spreadsheet for keeping track of my credit card balances, and budgeting estimates for all my monthly expenditures (including gasoline, bills, grocery shops, entertainment, etc.) One row shows the average for the year, the one next to it shows how much I owe that month. That way I can see what my overall cost of living is at the end of a year (or season), but I also can compare my income that month to the cost of living for that month.

I created an interactive page set up to automatically adjust for the amount of money I make per month so I can decide which category of “extras” to pay towards when all the bills are covered. For about the last year, I’ve tackled my credit cards with the highest interest rates first, then going after the ones with the lowest balances, until I’ve whittled them down to nada.

I used to avoid the realities of money when I was married and (Mistakenly. Stupidly. Regrettably.) allowed my ex full rein in all money making decisions. But I find now that checking my slowly diminishing credit card balances, adjusting my budget, and queuing up future payments is not only fun, it’s highly addictive.

Seriously.

At the risk of sounding like a complete nerd, I sometimes check my bank account online and my household budget two or three times a day. My ex, who couldn’t get me near the computer to look at (then) mostly meaningless figures, and my best friend who knows numbers and I have had a tumultuous relationship all my life- would probably be stunned.

It turns out though, that I’m addicted to progress and change. And the progress towards a more financially stable me, and the change in how I view money as a possibility for greatness and not just a means to an end or a source of serious vexation- is nothing short of miraculous. Listen to me. I start talking money and suddenly three syllable words just roll off my tongue. Or fingers.

Plus, I've caught numerous errors that the credit card companies have made; corrected online stores that have over-charged me accidentally and noticed before getting the snail mail indication that my interest rate changed or they had new account policies.

Going from “ruefully naïve” to “functionally efficient” has taken about a year. A year of developing massive amounts of self-empowerment that I wouldn’t trade for all plastic in a Tupperware factory.

Anyway, after I hear the glorious words ‘Your balance is zero. There is no payment due at this time,” spoken by the ever efficient sounding automated woman’s voice from seven different customer service financial lenders- (I’m going to call them all just for the sake of fully enjoying a year’s effort reduced to repetitive instant gratification) I plan to celebrate. That woman, whoever she is, has no inkling that her pre-recorded words are for the first time, music to my ears.

A couple ridiculously old student loans from my early college days will take me another month or two to slash to smithereens, but then aside from my house mortgage, I will be 100% debt free.

Oh. Well. That is, after I pay the public library $32.78 in overdue library fees.

What a wonderful reality THAT will be.
Yay for me!

It’s been a long road with more than a few tough obstacles (like my stubbornness) to overcome. Learning to curb certain tendencies (like buying sale items I love in every available color), modifying my budget through the lean times and keeping my resolve during times of a little more excess.

But I’ve been getting excellent advice from incredibly smart and successful people and surrounding myself with moral bolstering literature that promise great things if I but ignore the consumer urge and dig deep for the clever and wealthy person I know I am truly becoming.

I subscribed to Smart Money magazine and Entrepreneur in 2007. I also started reading books about financial freedom, getting out of debt and staying out, and building wealth. The book titles read like a “Who’s who” list of some of the best financial advice books on the market.

“Rich Dad, Poor Dad” – Robert T. Klyosaki
“The Richest Man in Babylon” – George S. Clason
“The Laws of Money”- Suz Orman
“The Automatic Millionaire”- David Bach
“The Power of Less” – Leo Babauta

I have a list of other great books on money to check out, and I’ll share insights about them as I read them. It’s been pretty exciting though, to see my debt melt away. I’m sure I could have done this faster with just a little more self-control, but I recognize that I’m human with a few minor materialistic needs.

Like dropping $260 at Ambercromi & Fitch, $145 at Baker Shoes, and $198 at Barnes and Noble.

Okay. So maybe those *aren’t* in fact needs; but those adorable hoodies, dazzling stilettos and glossy paged books sure wanted to come home with me badly! At least I was excellent about staying away from my guilty pleasure stores most of the time, and being sensible about eating out only when I was making an event of it with people I care about.

And let’s be honest. Any plan ~for anything~ that doesn’t allow a person to enjoy life to some degree AND feel like their efforts are paying off, is never going to work.

Besides, I’ve had a wonderful year of good times and superb memories all while successfully hacking away at years of bad habits manifested in slick plastic bondage. (My credit cards of course!)

So- Watch closely, for after that amazing spectacle of sheer self-restraint, my next trick will be…

Naked Chicks on Snowboards is NOT Cool

Apparently the latest thing to hit the slopes this year are images of naked playgirls on snowboards.

There are obvious reasons why this is striking a sour note with many. You don’t have to be severely conservative, a religious fanatic or even a puritan to find this offensive, and realize it’s inappropriate for many of the people who may be sharing the slopes. Debating what age a guy is old enough for a parent to not be concerned about their choice of visual aids or recreational habits aside, there is something that I find the most disturbing.

Men of all ages, bundled up in winter sports wear plan to slide and cruise down the chilly slopes, standing on the nearly life-sized image of a naked woman’s body. Male’s boot clad feet will be tromping on the bare boobs, hips and faces of coquettish, pouting- and very naked- women.

Is this just one more way to drive home purported male dominance over the female population? Is it not enough that men congratulate themselves on their superiority over women in the winter athletics play ground? Now they also have to do it tromping around on the bodies of naked women?

What gets me is how this particular new product is called their “Love” line. Are you freakin’ kidding me?? Standing on a naked woman is somehow related to love??

Wow. THAT is seriously frightening!

I understand that men are visual creatures. Many find viewing pictures of naked women’s bodies, uh, pleasing. But at least in the magazines, on posters and in most other visual formats the women are viewed vertically. They’re hung on a wall or in a locker. The guys aren’t tromping on life-sized images. The way that translates into the perception of appropriate treatment of women is shocking.

Fortunately consumers everywhere aren’t taking this lying down. Kudos to the protesters and ski resorts that have banned their employees from using these monstrosities called snowboard.

I am truly amazed that the company founder Jake Burton Carpenter is supposedly “scratching” his head over this. And while his wife Donna Carpenter who heads their company’s “women initiatives program" may concede to this disgraceful abuse of women, I’m disappointed that she concluded it’s "tongue-in-check and harmless”.

Oh really?

Well would anyone really have the same confusion about blatant sexual exploitation if say a female owned bowling pin company put pictures of naked men on a new line of bowling pins so all-women leagues can fling bowling balls at them?

Calling THAT their “Love” line would be just as fitting!

Or maybe women’s hair salons could retile their floors with pictures of naked men, so women every where could enjoy the satisfactory experience of walking with high hills all over the faces and private parts of young, sexy naked male models.

I challenge Donna Carpenter’s husband to consider THAT “tongue-in-cheek and harmless.”


To read the msnbc.com article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28518878/