I hate to say it, but the political climate of America has recently taken a turn for the elementary school playground. That’s right. All it takes is a raised eyebrow by someone whiny and "underprivileged". It doesn’t even take a double dog dare to get America to tie itself in knots.
But instead of jumping off the top of the monkey bars or taking a puff on a kid’s older brother’s cigarettes, America is in an un-winnable battle with the entire world to prove they are the most accepting, tolerant and NON-raciest, NON-discriminating place on the planet.
We’re like Disneyland for all the formerly persecuted groups.
It’s never been easier to be a minority. It doesn’t even matter what you’re a minority of. Just as long as you can claim “underdog” status for something, you get an instant membership card to the “I’m persecuted and therefore deserve something extra special! Gimme it now DAMMIT.”
Not white? Not straight? Not legal? Not a problem!
Is America at war with the country of your ancestral origins? You’re in luck! Unlike your distant terrorist relatives who are shooting at your American neighbors, YOU get ALL kinds of freebies and preference here! A free ride, a free education, an award, whatever you want!
Are you a financial drain on this country? Do you want to never get a job, become a celebrity and get everything free for the rest of your life? We’ve got special programs set up just for people like you! Si!
And if ensuring you don't feel special enough is against our current rules or isn't mandatory...don't worry! We'll change the rules just for you! And everyone else who sniffs their nose at obeying a democracy or pulling their own weight!
The Constitution? The Bill of Rights? PPffh! Who needs em? We're more like a jellyfish: completely fluid and flexible with whatever the way the current flows because we no longer have a backbone!
Do you have a questionable past and equally questionable plans for the future? PERFECT!
Are your blood relatives people who are out to destroy our nation? EVEN BETTER!
Just flash your “But I’m in a minority group!” tearful pout and America will now bend over backwards to prove to everyone (including themselves) that we think YOU’RE Great! Awesome! And dogonit we really LIKE you!”
After all America couldn’t possibly be this cozy, lovey “Land Of The FREEKS”..I mean FREE… without a regular dose of social outcasts and deviants.
Hate America? Don’t want to assimilate? (Wanna be our President?) We don’t want you to be like us either! We’re too boring! We can’t get media ratings with decent, moral, law abiding people who love America, their neighbors, their kids and are loyal to their spouses and their country!
What we need are people who will STIR up conflict! Offer distractions for our monotonous ordinary lives and give us something to apologize for previously being shocked about!
This formerly proud nation just can't get enough of kissing ass and falling over ourselves for having opinions, ideals and standards. Got-DAMN ourselves! We really need to follow the example of our new nation's leader who is proudly wearing his own "I'm a Minority so I'M SPECIAL" badge.
Because as Avril Lavin sings we want “Anything But Ordinary Please!”
Mainstream now IS strange beyond exotic, odd past unnatural and weird whizzing far through disturbing. Abnormal is SO trendy right now!
And if you want to be a non-tax paying, terrorist supporting, traditional value destroying media whore… Really "It's OKAY"! (YES YOU CAN!)
But please!... Just make sure you have enough outrageous clothing and physical preferences and enough controversial relatives, political viewpoints and lifestyle choices to be gawk-worthy.