Friday, February 22, 2013

Red Boots: Why so Hideous?

If you’ve noticed, I completely skipped over not just the (pathetic excuse of a.. heh) holiday of Valentine’s Day, I adamantly avoided posting anything the week following it too.  Let’s just say it’s not a favorite holiday of mine. But we shall save that dissection for another time.

At the moment there is another topic near and dear to my heart of a related thread.


Inexplicably, the way women have a special relationship with the coca bean (aka chocolate), women have an illogically strong attachment to their shoes.

They’re headliners of 

Movies: “In Her Shoes”, “The Devil Wears Prada”, “The Red Shoes”

Music: “These Boots Were Made For Walking”, “The Christmas Shoes”, “Blue Suede Shoes”

And Books: “Going Away Shoes”, “Cruel Shoes”, “Secrets of a Shoe Addict”

It could be the way it they turn an already shapely woman’s leg into an elongated silhouette of desire that stirs longing in the loins of men. It could be the sudden infusion of feeling maturity and sensuality that strapping on and strutting around in sexy stems evokes.

Maybe it’s the association with glitz, glamor and the fantasy of elegant living necessary for having an excuse to even wear the fashionably sizzling but otherwise entirely impractical shoes. Or possibly it’s the sensual urge to slip into a pair and then dance- be it slink, sway or sashay across a dance floor.

Check out this dance clip from a Hollywood classic film set to a modern hip hop song. You could say it puts a whole new spin on how we view the movie dancers from previous generations. I dare you to not be impressed.

If that one moved you even a little…take a look at this one. It’s an impressive blend of yesteryear and modern sexual energy, prowess and skill. You can’t watch dancing without noticing feet and what is on them.

And then there is the unique draw of boots. A fine example of “clandestine”, boots are often more about what they cover and how they draw attention to what is not covered.  

Although boots vary in height, type of heel, adornments and intended use, most people will agree that boots command attention. They are both strong and statement making; adding a particularly erotic edge to femininity and a certain rough polish to male footwear. They bridge elegant and bohemian.  

Regardless of the reasoning behind the footwear obsession, I’m caught up in it boot, heel and slipper.

Buy them on sale, take care of them when you have them, and pick styles that are classic and timeless and your shoe collection will last you a long time. In some cases, a decade or longer.

I confess to owning over one hundred pairs of shoes, nearly half being boots and most of which would be worthless worn while walking in dirt, puddles, grass, gravel or pretty much any surface that isn’t flat, paved or smooth.  

But I don’t care. I find or create opportunities to wear my sexy shoes and am therefore always on the lookout for new hotties to add to my collection.

And as anyone who has a compilation of anything knows, variety is the name of the game. After all, the only way you can justify having a massive hoard of anything not requiring precise duplicates (like ammo) is for each to be distinctly different.

So it’s acceptable for me to have 11 pair of black shoes, so long as among them are sandals, stilettos, ankle boots, mid-calf boots, thigh high boots, knee boots, cowboy boots, hooker boots, dress boots, dress shoes and business suit shoes. Right?

Aside from style, fit and material one of the definitive ways for ensuring distinction is color.

There are the striking color differences like: Black, white, brown, peach, pink, purple, turquoise, orange and green. And then there are the subtle shade differences found between cream, champagne, buttermilk, tan, beige, taupe, and ivory.

Few and far between colors are absent in the common assortment of style, shape and function of different shoes, that do not look great on the foot and compliment clothing for some “going out” fun.

Except Red.

Call them the red-treaded step-child of the fashion industry.  

For some ungodly, indiscernible reason when it comes to red boots, footwear designers are bound and determined to take what should be the epitome of the lustful siren call and turn it into something utterly hideous.    

Red is the color of passion, fire, intensity and desire. People flush when they’re aroused. Red is the color of life giving blood and is used in both warning people to stop and tantalizing them to proceed. It is also a very common clothing color found in specialty costume, evening wear, business attire and everyday living.

So why on earth is it so nearly impossible to find sexy red boots??

Either the boots try too hard to make it look like the owner is selling their body, they’re associated with a jolly winter holiday or they’re just designed to convince everyone that it is inconceivable for anyone to look good in them. I present to you some of the worst of the offenders I found in a quick perusal online. I challenge you to find worse.


I don’t understand this because I have actually seen sexy red boots online and on people. But of course, just as my pulse quickens I get excited only to have my hopes shattered by finding out they are “out of stock” or “currently unavailable”.

Meanwhile all the butt ugly, I-can’t-believe-anyone-actually-made-these boots are everywhere. Some of them aren’t even red. The impudence of such imposters. They’re burgundy, bleached maroon, rusty plum or practically orange.

Don’t get me started on the styles!

And then they are fringed, studded, be-speckled or made of what looks to be canvas, linoleum or duct tape.

Because god-only-knows that anyone daring enough to wear a red boot must also want them to look like their shoes were raped by three vastly different ethic groups or designed by fetish fanatics on very heavy medication.

Oh wait, those would be considered Lady Gaga inspired. Same difference. But seriously…   



(deep calming breathes.)

Never the less, I shall remain hopeful. So I troll the malls and scour the web, hoping against hope to find a sexy (but daytime presentable) pair of red knee high boots: solid cherry red, unadorned, with a thee-inch heel and a natural foot shaped toe. You would think I were asking for the unattainable.  

Until I find said shoe to induct into my ensemble, I will take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my pursuit for footwear that announces your presence, projects your personality and inspires your adrenaline. 

Heart shaped candy holiday-free.   

(A tribute to boot lovers everywhere, here is the trailer to a film I thoroughly enjoyed.)

1 comment:

Shaun said...

Great read! We've definitely got different shoe issues. I'm lucky to find anything in size 14! I'm sure every pair you have is vital and brings balance to the force... which would be hard to do without the red tones I suppose.