What’s Love Got to Do With It?

A buddy of mine, who is ironically down on relationships as a whole, recently indicated that he had become involved in a romantic relationship.

I swear it sounded like he was dragged into it kicking and screaming against his will. Apparently after meeting this girl through mutual friends and spending some time with her, his heart became dipped in a gooey candy filling, coated with a fine layer of quick-drying cement and tossed out to sea.

“It won’t last” he stated glumly. Aside from this being a long distance relationship that seemed to be a pretty pessimistic way to start off one of life’s more emotionally rewarding experiences!

Romance is something we seem to be born both wanting and fearing. It’s normal, but completely life changing. It touches us all at some point, mostly to tease us with what we want, what we think we want and what we expect love to be like. But romance in real life is not the quick fix of perfect characters who will live happily ever after upon meeting each other. It’s not the great epic of books and sure as hell isn’t the gushy, everything-will-be-alright-now experience that the movies make it out to be.

I think we’re all doing it wrong.

We’re certainly going about it all wrong.

A person must first know THEMSELVES- who they are, what they want, what they’re about BEFORE they’re ready to join their lives with another person. Only a person who likes themselves can find happiness in a relationship.

Too many people go into relationships with crazy expectations of another person. They feel they NEED someone who will MAKE them happy, complete them and fulfill them. But if you are not enough alone, you will never be enough with someone else.

No one can complete you. You have to complete yourself.

The true risk in a romantic relationship has nothing to do with needing someone, but everything to do with vulnerability. For that is what love does to a person: it renders them open and emotionally vulnerable. And while the fear of that causes many people to shy away from hope that their affections will be returned, as my friend can attests- love takes you hostage. It sneaks up on you and smacks you in the head with a brick.

Initially though, that first phase of “love” is just a great deal of attraction. True love doesn’t come until after you know a person- really know them. It’s not possible to know if you love someone the first day, week, or even month of knowing them. You might think you love them, but really, its just infatuation. That strong sense of “OMG, this person is AMAZING- EXACTLY what I’ve always looked for and wanted!”

But as most people have experienced in their life, once a little time has lapsed, they come to eventually see this person IS in fact human; prone to human mistakes, problems, issues and foibles. And there is nothing wrong with that. But you can’t expect being with this person or any other person to make all life’s problems go away. And you can’t expect that being in love with this person will transform you or them into being super human.

While it may seem like a good idea to move in together, get married or commit to each other while you’re still in the giddy, love-drunk phase of attraction- it’s a huge mistake.

People who ACT on their obsessions with another person, BEFORE they’ve had a chance to see all the sides of them- get themselves into trouble. They end up legally bound to each other in married, living together, promised to each other or having children- with someone they don’t really know. And then making the relationship work is harder than it would have ever been, because they feel trapped in the relationship. Stuck with the cement shoes, pulled down by the undertow of impulsive choices. In over their heads in frigid water, and now with none of the lovey-dovey feelings to get them through the tough times.

And THAT is also largely because after feeling of elation from just being around the person they’re infatuated had passed, their biggest question is: What will ‘I’ get out of this relationship? What will this person do for ‘ME’? What will they do to make ME feel loved, wanted, needed, satisfied?

Love is about giving, NOT getting. It’s about finding someone you want to bestow all the beauties and pleasure of the world on.

You get joy out of making THEM happy and bettering THEIR life. You can’t go into a relationship expecting the other person to make YOU happy. Your focus should be on making THEM happy. If they truly love you back, they will inevitably make it their job to try to please you in every way they can- but you’ll be too ridiculously giddy with the thrill of devoting yourself to them, to even notice. As long as you give more than you expect to get- your heart is in the right place.

Figuring out the best way to show you love someone can be tricky. We don’t all respond to things the same way and we all have different ideas on how love can and should be shown. Fortunately, there is a very good guide put out by Gary Chapman that breaks it down and makes it wonderfully easy to please the person you care about, and tell them how to make you feel loved. For more on this, check out The Five Love Languages.

If however, your love interest doesn’t love you back, you’ll have to make a choice. Accept that the feelings are not mutual and cut them loose, or turn yourself into their personal slave trying to make them love you and eventually become bitter, cynical and empty because you wasted valuable time with someone who is happy to take what you have to offer, but cannot return your love.

It would seem like a pretty straightforward choice.

But as most people can attest, the heart is not rational. It doesn’t care about logic. It does what it damn well wants to, without rhyme or reason. It sends your feelings lilting; flings you up to the clouds, blissfully soaring on warm waves of giddy anticipation and then lets you slam back to the hard unforgiving earth, aching and slightly numb, shocked, confused as hell and wallowing in a sudden darkness of depression and self-doubt.

Most people’s hearts have betrayed them at some point: Allowing them to fall deeply for the completely wrong person. Leaving them vulnerable to rejection and despair.

Some people stay in a one-sided relationship thinking (or hoping) the other person will eventually come to realize what they’ve got and suddenly pour out a truckload of affection on them like a lifetime of overdue Christmas presents plus interest. People don’t work that way though. Either they’re emotionally and physically committed to you or they’re not. And either you’re emotionally mature enough to respect yourself, recognize that and end the relationship, or you aren’t.

Waiting around for someone to “see the light” will just be a fruitless waste of your time and energy. You’re better off trying to twist in a light bulb backwards. You’ll just get insanely frustrated and still be standing around in the dark.

Falling in and out of love is a human condition. It’s part of the human experience. As independent as people are born wanting to be, it’s unnatural for someone to be completely alone all their life. Everyone who hasn’t been in love yet, wants to. Those who are currently in love, desperately hope to stay that way. Those who had love and lost it, long to have it back.

Everyone wants to be in love, even when they claim they don’t. The feelings of euphoria and excitement from intense attraction to another person are unlike any other sensation in the world and it’s a very addicting feeling. Just thinking about it, talking about it and reading about it is thrilling.

There are programs available on every media format available to educate you on the process. You can take college classes, attend seminars or hire a special therapist to talk about everything from communication, to delving into subconscious relationship failure triggers, to ways to steam up your sex life. About 80% of all songs croon, morn or reminisce about love and relationships with other people. Even most religious songs are about love and devotion to some greater being.

A good question is though: Can you help whom you fall in love with? Is it something that you have no control over? Or can you tell that surge of intense magnetic attraction and primal physical response that renders you ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ overwhelmed… “Nah, I’m good! Haha. Thanks anyway!” Or can you tell your rational self: “This person has all the qualities I was hoping to find- now make me love them!”

For the person who’s fallen hopelessly and hopefully in love with another person, the answer would be an easy “No.” You find yourself magnetically drawn to a person who is somehow able to tug at you heartstrings without your consent and that can be excruciatingly pleasurable or painful. Sometimes, it’s both.

Either way, it’s a good idea for a person to make a list of all the qualities they would like to have in a love partner, and rank which ones are most important and which ones are negotiable. You haven’t a hope of finding a good match for you, if you have no idea what you’re looking for~

I’ve been reading a lot about love and relationships for the last year and even checked out the “Catch Him And Keep Him” program by Christian Carter for women. It seems to be pretty informative, but very wordy. Christian offers brilliant gems of advice that really seems like common sense, but it takes him half an hour to spit one out. If you can hang in there, he’ll impress you.

A buddy of mine tried out the “Double Your Dating” program by David DeAngelo. I haven’t checked it out, but he seemed to think pretty highly of it. I might take a look at it just to see what advice the guy is giving out about girls.

The truth is though, a person can paint all the pictures they want of the kind of person they intend to fall for, but sometimes what we think we want, and what we discover we want, are usually not exactly the same thing. If however, there are certain things you really need or want in another person, and they’re not in the person you’re going gaga over, it might be wise for you to accept it’s a bad match and move on.

For while everyone wants to be loved and it may be difficult to impossible to control whom you fall in love with, it’s wise and best to take care who you commit yourself to.

As Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof” cautions his young daughter from making a hasty marriage to a local boy from a very different culture and religious background: “A bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home together?”

Neal Clark Warren wrote a fantastic book called “Finding The Love of Your Life”.
It’s a slim but profound book. Neil covers ten principles in his book, but I think when it comes down to whether a relationship will last, it really depends on two things:

1. Compatibility. Are you two enough alike? Do you have enough in common that you honestly enjoy being around each other? Are your communication styles similar enough that you will be able to express everything from love to frustration with each other and be able to understand each other? Are your temperaments and general moods agreeable with each other? Are your life goals and desires more or less the same? Will you be growing together in life, going in the same direction? Are your perspectives on life, love, religion, politics, morals, childrearing, careers and other major issues along the same lines? Do you want mostly the same things?

You don’t want to be a clone of the person you’re involved with, but if you don’t have at least MOST of the same dreams, desires and interests, you’re chances of staying together are pretty low.

Conversely, the more things you have in common, the greater chances that you’ll generally like the person and get along with them even when the sizzle of first hormonally charged encounters turns into something more friendly and less intense.

2. Commitment. Are you committed to each other? Are you both in it for the long term? Will you not back down or run away when the going gets tough? (And it WILL most assuredly get tough!) Are you determined to please this person, try to understand them, compromise with them, work along side them and provide them with all the love and attention you are capable of giving? Are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to share your life with them? Are they also willing to make those sacrifices?

Seriously think about what kinds of sacrifices you’re willing to make to be with them. Change careers? Move hundreds or thousands of miles away to create a new home? Accept their past and baggage?

If you both can’t answer an overwhelming “yes” to all of those, you’re better off getting off this high speed train before it hits a momentum that a last resort of jumping from, could be fatal.

I’ve heard that the similarities you share with someone, are what bonds you. The differences between you are what challenge you and stimulate interest. And your commitment to love and care about each other are what keep everything together.

Ultimately what makes love so completely amazing, is when you love and care about someone else just as strongly and at the exact same time that they love and care about you.

Love is not about being swept away alone with your gooey heart and cement boots, it’s about being swept away together, with hope and adoration, respect and a desire to bring joy to this person for as long as you are able.

Either way, I wouldn’t say I’m down on love right now. I’m just actively avoiding it. I’m not ready to deal with the highs or the lows and am planning to keep my heart on the shelf for a while to come. They say you often find love when your not looking for it. But love had better watch out. I’m pretty tough and if love comes after me with a brick or a shovel- I’m not giving in without a fight.

If I fall in love any time soon- it will be going down swinging.

Blowfish Testicles Can Kill You

It would seem the human appetite for adventure and risk-taking outweigh certain dangers (such as death); a thing which is tried and tested on a pretty regular basis.
Tuesday’s online MSNBC news included an article detailing how 7 diners experienced “limb paralysis, trouble breathing and started losing consciousness” after ingesting improperly cooked Blowfish testicles at a Tokyo restaurant with an unlicensed chef. Blowfish is reportedly 100 times more poisonous than potassium cyanide. Eating it wrong can kill you in 30 minutes.
Apparently blowfish don’t want you to chop off and eat their testicles.

On a recent episode of ‘CSI- New York’ a vindictive chef murders a dissatisfied customer with a small live (and quite toxic) octopus. An online casting call for this particular episode stated those interested in being extras in the film must actually eat real exotic “gourmet” bug and critter appetizers and “act like they enjoy them”. It was incidentally, a paid gig.

Shows like “Fear Factor” have capitalized on the average person’s phobias and horrors of the eight legged, bloody or slimy kind and parts of animals typically not eaten here in the United States. But that doesn’t stop people from signing up, gagging down the pig’s tongue or sheep uterus, bobbing for objects in a vat of 50 gallons of cows blood or whatever can be described as revolting and the show producers can legally get away with “serving”. Contestants hope to avoid the embarrassment of vomiting on national television and possibly go home from $25,000 to $50,000 richer. Either way, win or lose, there is a good chance their stomachs and bowels will give them an ass chewing afterwards.

In certain countries the demand for frog legs is potentially wrecking havoc on local and distant habitats and perhaps causing some species of the amphibians to boarder on extinction. Get that? Frogs are being eaten to death.

France and then (surprisingly) the US are the two largest importers of this particular delicatessen. Apparently though, what high-brow eaters consider fine dining is a staple dish in various Asian countries. A New Scientists Environment Internet article credits Indonesia as the world’s largest exporter of frog meat. 5,000 tons of frog meat finds it’s way from their lands to kitchens in France, Belgium and Luxemburg each and every year. That’s just Indonesia’s exporting number. Who knows how many frogs get chopped, fried, baked and buttered by their locals every year. The amount of frogs ingested internationally is closer to between 200 million and 1 billion frogs every year. Holy crap. That’s a lot of frogs.

The thing is, people all over the world do actually eat them, along with an assortment of other creepy crawlies, predators (snakes, sharks, etc.) and rodents. Ick. I’d rather leave those parts of the food chain to predators you typically see on “Wild Kingdom” or “The Discovery Channel”.

While this past year has been a fairly cuisine exploratory one for me, what I’ve been “experimenting” with sounds down right dull compared to the cuisine other’s don’t think twice about eating. My list for the year:

Deep-fried Alligator Tail
(AJ Gators, Virginia Beach)

Glazed Duck, Seaweed Salad
(Empire Bar and Bistro, Norfolk)

Elk Steaks
(Central Meats, Chesapeake)

Scallops
(Mai, Mai, Virginia Beach)

Crab cakes
(at a Military party, Virginia Beach)

Calamari
(Cheesecake Factory, Virginia Beach)

She-Crab soup, Lobster
( , Virginia Beach)

Pretty tame huh? Although I’ve had ample opportunities, I’m still leery about trying sushi, anything overly spicy and anything I can’t pronounce. But I think I’m making HUGE strides, given that my idea of daring eating used to be ordering the grilled chicken with mango salsa instead of the grilled rosemary chicken.

Seriously.

A bout of food poisoning when I was 18 from an undercook lamb chop stifled my interest in anything more exciting than beef or chicken. For a very long time afterwards I place meat orders as: “Well Done please. A-little-charred-is-fine-and-no-I-don’t-mind-waiting.”

If you’ve ever had food poisoning and have experienced the total body rejection of all your stomach contents, possibly even losing a few chunks of your intestines or a misplaced scrap of something you ate four years ago, you know the agony of retching all hours of the night every 15 minutes until you’ve gone long past the stinky canary yellow stomach acids and reach the point of dry heaving that you hit an almost meditative, almost out-of-body experience and wonder if this might be what a death by dehydration feel like.

According to the American Medical Association, about 76 million people get food-related illness in the USA alone, killing on average 5,000 people and hospitalizing another 300,000. There is no information on how many of these were exotic food related.

An article written by Joe Sharkey for The New York Times quotes food safety specialists that recommend when eating while traveling or possibly eating cuisine your body isn’t used to (think critters most people buy pesticides to eradiate from their lives) or meats that are undercooked (aka: not Well Done) you should avoid drinking milk or eating dairies and pass on medications that reduce the acid from the stomach.

Taking medications like Prilosec, Nexium, Aciphex or Prevacid might help with ulcers and gastro esophageal reflux disease, but they might also increase your odds of getting food poisoning since they reduce the stomach acids that are intended to kill and break down anything that finds it's way into your stomach.

Also, when eating overseas the recommendation is to avoid buffets and to wash and peel fruits and cook vegetables before eating them. And of course, wash your hands since there is a good chance you’ve picked up some creepy crawlies of the microscopic variety during your traveling. A tiny bottle of hand sanitizer can spare you a night of a night of cozying up to the nearest available plumbing.

Anyway, whether you’re into exotic dining, just want to enjoy an evening out, or find yourself eating forgien fare during your travels, Bon Appetite.

Oh, and just one more suggestion…

I’d pass on the Blowfish Testicles.

Slick Plastic Bondage

It feels great. Actually, it feels amazing. I have to take one more peek, just to make sure it’s real. It is. And I’m thrilled. I’m so proud of myself.

The neat column of zeros stare back at me like blank eyes off my Microsoft Excel spread sheet. I click back to my online banking page and note with satisfaction that the final payments are set up already to execute my final burden of credit debt in the next 14 days. Then the one row glaring out red numbers of credit card bondage that mar a page of otherwise satisfied debtors, will be reduced to impotent, tidy black zero eyes too.

Sweet.

I started 2008 off with seven credit cards; each with a hefty balance on them. A couple cards were completely maxed out. Unchecked spending during marriage, a drastic cut in income after separation and the tumultuous times following a divorce can do that to you.

Today, I paid off my sixth credit card. In two more weeks, I will have paid off all my cards. Given the unpredictable flux in my income over the past year, unexpected expenses, the inevitable holidays, birthdays and special occasions, and the temptation to supplant my actual ‘needs’ with more than the occasional ‘wants’, that’s a bit of a feat.

But then, I started my radical financial changes even before the media and stock markets indicated a needed shift in America’s spending habits. I didn’t have much say in the way the financial end of my co-household was ran pre-singledom, but it’s exclusively my decision now. I’m downright aggressive when I want something. And I want to be debt free, a.s.a.p. Sometimes just throwing money at the problem really IS the answer.

Credit cards are a magical thing. They appear to instantly give you hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars worth of buying power you didn’t have to previously earn.
But that tricky interest rate and the deceptive minimum payments will do a serious hocus-pocus on your future income and lifestyle if you allow your account statements do a disappearing act after receiving them every month.

That’s why I set up bill-pay through my bank that offers on-line banking. No more trying to keep up on current postage. No more bouncing checks or wondering why money miraculously vanished from my account (after forgetting about writing a check). And no more hoping my account balance will be the same as the last time I called or received a statement when I’m planning a grocery shop or a big purchase.

I put all my accounts under a “favorites” category called Bills and created log in accounts with each of them. It was surprisingly easy. It's great to be able to check my bank account from a computer with Internet access anywhere in the country, even if I'm no where near my bank and don't have access to a phone to call them.

I also set up an Excel spreadsheet for keeping track of my credit card balances, and budgeting estimates for all my monthly expenditures (including gasoline, bills, grocery shops, entertainment, etc.) One row shows the average for the year, the one next to it shows how much I owe that month. That way I can see what my overall cost of living is at the end of a year (or season), but I also can compare my income that month to the cost of living for that month.

I created an interactive page set up to automatically adjust for the amount of money I make per month so I can decide which category of “extras” to pay towards when all the bills are covered. For about the last year, I’ve tackled my credit cards with the highest interest rates first, then going after the ones with the lowest balances, until I’ve whittled them down to nada.

I used to avoid the realities of money when I was married and (Mistakenly. Stupidly. Regrettably.) allowed my ex full rein in all money making decisions. But I find now that checking my slowly diminishing credit card balances, adjusting my budget, and queuing up future payments is not only fun, it’s highly addictive.

Seriously.

At the risk of sounding like a complete nerd, I sometimes check my bank account online and my household budget two or three times a day. My ex, who couldn’t get me near the computer to look at (then) mostly meaningless figures, and my best friend who knows numbers and I have had a tumultuous relationship all my life- would probably be stunned.

It turns out though, that I’m addicted to progress and change. And the progress towards a more financially stable me, and the change in how I view money as a possibility for greatness and not just a means to an end or a source of serious vexation- is nothing short of miraculous. Listen to me. I start talking money and suddenly three syllable words just roll off my tongue. Or fingers.

Plus, I've caught numerous errors that the credit card companies have made; corrected online stores that have over-charged me accidentally and noticed before getting the snail mail indication that my interest rate changed or they had new account policies.

Going from “ruefully naïve” to “functionally efficient” has taken about a year. A year of developing massive amounts of self-empowerment that I wouldn’t trade for all plastic in a Tupperware factory.

Anyway, after I hear the glorious words ‘Your balance is zero. There is no payment due at this time,” spoken by the ever efficient sounding automated woman’s voice from seven different customer service financial lenders- (I’m going to call them all just for the sake of fully enjoying a year’s effort reduced to repetitive instant gratification) I plan to celebrate. That woman, whoever she is, has no inkling that her pre-recorded words are for the first time, music to my ears.

A couple ridiculously old student loans from my early college days will take me another month or two to slash to smithereens, but then aside from my house mortgage, I will be 100% debt free.

Oh. Well. That is, after I pay the public library $32.78 in overdue library fees.

What a wonderful reality THAT will be.
Yay for me!

It’s been a long road with more than a few tough obstacles (like my stubbornness) to overcome. Learning to curb certain tendencies (like buying sale items I love in every available color), modifying my budget through the lean times and keeping my resolve during times of a little more excess.

But I’ve been getting excellent advice from incredibly smart and successful people and surrounding myself with moral bolstering literature that promise great things if I but ignore the consumer urge and dig deep for the clever and wealthy person I know I am truly becoming.

I subscribed to Smart Money magazine and Entrepreneur in 2007. I also started reading books about financial freedom, getting out of debt and staying out, and building wealth. The book titles read like a “Who’s who” list of some of the best financial advice books on the market.

“Rich Dad, Poor Dad” – Robert T. Klyosaki
“The Richest Man in Babylon” – George S. Clason
“The Laws of Money”- Suz Orman
“The Automatic Millionaire”- David Bach
“The Power of Less” – Leo Babauta

I have a list of other great books on money to check out, and I’ll share insights about them as I read them. It’s been pretty exciting though, to see my debt melt away. I’m sure I could have done this faster with just a little more self-control, but I recognize that I’m human with a few minor materialistic needs.

Like dropping $260 at Ambercromi & Fitch, $145 at Baker Shoes, and $198 at Barnes and Noble.

Okay. So maybe those *aren’t* in fact needs; but those adorable hoodies, dazzling stilettos and glossy paged books sure wanted to come home with me badly! At least I was excellent about staying away from my guilty pleasure stores most of the time, and being sensible about eating out only when I was making an event of it with people I care about.

And let’s be honest. Any plan ~for anything~ that doesn’t allow a person to enjoy life to some degree AND feel like their efforts are paying off, is never going to work.

Besides, I’ve had a wonderful year of good times and superb memories all while successfully hacking away at years of bad habits manifested in slick plastic bondage. (My credit cards of course!)

So- Watch closely, for after that amazing spectacle of sheer self-restraint, my next trick will be…

Naked Chicks on Snowboards is NOT Cool

Apparently the latest thing to hit the slopes this year are images of naked playgirls on snowboards.

There are obvious reasons why this is striking a sour note with many. You don’t have to be severely conservative, a religious fanatic or even a puritan to find this offensive, and realize it’s inappropriate for many of the people who may be sharing the slopes. Debating what age a guy is old enough for a parent to not be concerned about their choice of visual aids or recreational habits aside, there is something that I find the most disturbing.

Men of all ages, bundled up in winter sports wear plan to slide and cruise down the chilly slopes, standing on the nearly life-sized image of a naked woman’s body. Male’s boot clad feet will be tromping on the bare boobs, hips and faces of coquettish, pouting- and very naked- women.

Is this just one more way to drive home purported male dominance over the female population? Is it not enough that men congratulate themselves on their superiority over women in the winter athletics play ground? Now they also have to do it tromping around on the bodies of naked women?

What gets me is how this particular new product is called their “Love” line. Are you freakin’ kidding me?? Standing on a naked woman is somehow related to love??

Wow. THAT is seriously frightening!

I understand that men are visual creatures. Many find viewing pictures of naked women’s bodies, uh, pleasing. But at least in the magazines, on posters and in most other visual formats the women are viewed vertically. They’re hung on a wall or in a locker. The guys aren’t tromping on life-sized images. The way that translates into the perception of appropriate treatment of women is shocking.

Fortunately consumers everywhere aren’t taking this lying down. Kudos to the protesters and ski resorts that have banned their employees from using these monstrosities called snowboard.

I am truly amazed that the company founder Jake Burton Carpenter is supposedly “scratching” his head over this. And while his wife Donna Carpenter who heads their company’s “women initiatives program" may concede to this disgraceful abuse of women, I’m disappointed that she concluded it’s "tongue-in-check and harmless”.

Oh really?

Well would anyone really have the same confusion about blatant sexual exploitation if say a female owned bowling pin company put pictures of naked men on a new line of bowling pins so all-women leagues can fling bowling balls at them?

Calling THAT their “Love” line would be just as fitting!

Or maybe women’s hair salons could retile their floors with pictures of naked men, so women every where could enjoy the satisfactory experience of walking with high hills all over the faces and private parts of young, sexy naked male models.

I challenge Donna Carpenter’s husband to consider THAT “tongue-in-cheek and harmless.”


To read the msnbc.com article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28518878/

The Biggest Loser

I have never been obese. I’ve never been teased about being overweight. I don’t know what it’s like to not remember ever being a normal sized person. I don’t really know what a size 12 or larger feels like.

A combination of good genes and being raised with a nearly Spartan diet and a lot of exercise that I have continued as an adult lifestyle, have ensured that only for short period of time in my life have I ever felt overweight.

And except for my sophomore year of high school and into my junior year of high school when I binged on junk food and wore men sized clothes as a fashion statement, the only other times I haven’t been able to wear clothes marked Small or Medium in my age group, were during my three pregnancies. Even then I wore small or medium sized maternity clothes, mostly from being on the short side.

This does not mean though that I’ve never had to struggle to lose weight, or to stay small. It just means that I’ve never needed to lose half my body weight to be a normal size or been on medication for health related problems due to obesity.

Losing baby weight three times was anything but easy. No matter how healthy I ate or how much walking I did, I gained 40 pound all three times. At my heaviest, just before delivering my first child, I weighed 158 lbs. I felt absurdly large and actually dislocated my right collarbone during one the late term uncomfortable nights where I could only sleep on my sides. But after each delivery, within 18 months I was back to wearing clothes I buy in the juniors department marked for 12-14year olds. There are a few advantages to being only 5’4.

STAYING thin while trying to balance parenthood and a full time job is absolutely a perpetual challenge.Fitness, like dishes, bills and so many other things in life, are a revolving door of responsibility. It will never stop being a chore. It will never stop being a daily choice.

Healthy diet, minimal food and exercise for tiny clothes to fit a tiny body? Or junk food, extra calories and sitting around not doing much till I’m popping out of my clothes and feeling like a beached whale? Don’t think for a minute that if I didn’t keep eating only 1,200 calories a day along with a minimum of 6 hours a week of exercise, lifting weights and getting in cardio- that I could possibly hope to stay thin! As a testament to the struggle it IS to stay thin, my weight can fluctuate as much as ten pounds throughout the year.

While the majority of the clothes in my closet fit the smallest version of me, mostly as encouragement to stay thin and have a greater selection, I do keep on reserve a few things that I can stretch into when holiday food, perpetual bad weather or weeks of severe laziness and indulgence have struck. Even those with the strongest will power give in to temptation now and then.

Like all successful things in life, the key is to make it entertaining and create a way to chart achievement. Demonstrating positive results and high energy motivation you can get in whatever doses you need whenever you want is just what a person needs.

For these reasons among others, “The Biggest Loser” is one of my favorite programs. I think it’s a televised game show at its best. Not only does it improve the quality of life of those who participate, it provides inspiration to the viewers at home.

Since I don’t watch TV, I follow it online. Whenever a season has ended, I jump onto the Internet to see the results. I adore seeing ‘before and after’ photos and reading the success stories of beaming, confident and sometimes teary-eyed people who have a fresh radiant attitude and an impressive new lease on life. I am so proud of each of the contestants, no matter how much or how little weight they lose, they prove something to themselves and the world.

Seeing their results and knowing first hand how exciting and thrilling it is to get dressed in the morning or get dolled up to go out on the town- knowing you look great- makes me feel great for them.

It’s encouraging knowing that there are more fitness enthusiasts out there, teaching their kids good habits, passing on health tips to friends and co-workers, easing the stain on the health insurance and hospital companies and wanting more health and fitness related stores and shops and passing legislation that is environmentally and people friendly. Plus, it renews my energy to work harder at it and push myself just that much harder.

For of all the things in life that are cause and effect, weight loss and gain are a prime example. And at the end of the day, whether a person likes to hear it or not, fitness success, like all success comes from effort and wanting it badly enough.

Regardless of family history, genetics or whatever excuse they’d like to blame on their being “plus sized”, if you want it badly enough and do what it takes to find there personal combination of requirements to lose and keep of weight- they absolutely can and they absolutely will.

To all those naysayers who say not everyone can be thin- I challenge you to look at the ‘before and after’ photos of the Biggest Loser contestants.

Every 12 weeks this show proves that effort wins over genetics and family history and even medical problems every time. They CAN do it AND SO CAN YOU!

THIS Is Realitly?

A friend of mine showed me this video. It's hard to deny that it's as powerfully convincing as it is alarming. And it raises some really critical questions. This film reaches into areas of religion and politics that you may have felt were 'safe' and demands that we as humans force ourselves to cut away our naivety of unquestioning trust in history and figures of authority now and through the centuries and throw off the learned ignorance passed on to each new generation and subject everything in life to hard, honest scrutiny.

Juvenile But Funny: Dogs & Women

It's kind of silly to get dragged into such a childish pissing contest, but when one of my guy friends passed around this list of reasons why dogs are better than women, it got my dander up. (pun intended). So, of course I responded back with a list of my own.

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Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women

*Dogs love it when your friends come over.

*Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

*Dogs think you sing great.

*Dogs don't cry.

*A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

*Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

*The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

*Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

*Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

*Dogs are excited by rough play.

*Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

*Dogs love red meat.

*Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

*Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

*If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

*Dogs don't shop.

*Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

*A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

*Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

*A dog's parents never visit.

*Dogs love long car trips.

*Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

*Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

*Dogs like beer.

*Dogs don't hate their bodies.

*No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

*No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

*Dogs never criticize.

*Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

*Dogs never expect gifts.

*It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

*Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

*Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

*Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

*Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

*You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

*Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

*Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

*Dogs never want foot-rubs.

*Dogs can't talk.

*Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

*Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

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Why Men Pick Women Over Dogs

*Sharing a bed with a dog will never amount to amazing memories- just lots of shed hair, possibly flea bites and a good chance of dog-food smelling slobber.

*A dog cannot have or raise your children.

*No dog ever fixed you a steak dinner.

*A dog cannot give you a ride to work or the airport when your buddies are AWOL.

*Dogs are worthless at giving back rubs, scalp massages or foot rubs.

*When was the last time your dog ran to the store to get something for you?

*Walking down a street with a hot dog on your arm will only make you look crazy, not lucky.

*The dog is the reason you can’t find the other shoe you ask your woman to help you find.

*A dog will not live long enough even if it could take care of you in your old age, which it can’t.

*Any “gift” your dog gives you will be chewed up and drooly, or dead and bloody.

*The dog’s drinking out of the toilet doesn’t qualify as cleaning it.

*Your dog doesn’t drop by your job to surprise you with lunch or call to say they miss you.

*A dog cannot make sure you leave the house with matching socks or coordinated clothes.

*A dog couldn't care less if you graduate from school, get a promotion, win a contest or prize or achieve a goal.

*A dog has no idea what to do with a dishwasher, washing machine, iron, oven or coffee maker.

*A dog doesn’t contribute to or help budget and invest in the household income.

*Your friends will never be jealous of your beautiful, intelligent and attentive dog.

*You’d never fantasize about an exotic cruise or tropical vacation… with your dog.

*A dog will never understand your passion for or help you with hobbies, sports or electronics devices.

*How many magazines about dogs do most men collect? Now how many about women?

*If you fall in love with a woman, you’re on cloud nine. If you fall in love with a dog, you’re in padded cell number nine.

*A dog will never laugh at your jokes, no matter how funny they are.

*Having a great dog in your life doesn’t make any luckier, happier or more self-confident.

*No matter how bored they are, a woman will never chew up the furniture.

*A dog cannot take care of you if you’re sick or after you’ve had surgery.

*Having an attractive woman on the back of your bike will make everyone envious of you. Having any kind of dog on the back of your bike might get you arrested.

*Missing a dog will never make you feel like you’re missing half your soul.

*When was the last time anyone wrote an entire music album about wanting the love of a dog?

*If your dog wakes you up in the middle of the night, it will never mean you’re about to get laid.

*Dogs couldn’t mow the lawn or do home improvements if their life depended on it.

*A dog will never surprise you with an expensive gift or tickets to your favorite event.

*Having had a lot of dogs will not improve your “status” with ‘the guys’.

*Having a dog around the house will never improve the quality of your surroundings.

*You’d never have the excuse of buying an expensive car or motorcycle- to attract dogs.

*You can't take your dog with you to the movies, to a restaurant, to a club, to a concert, to most sport events or any number of other locations.

*You'd never brag to your buddies about the incredible dog you have waiting for you at home.

*A dog could never intellectually inspire you, help you achieve your potential or support your ambitions to obtain success or happiness.

*Regardless of size, age or breed, your woman will already be fully potty trained.

*Dogs look ridiculous in slinky dresses, short skirts, bikinis and lingerie.

*Being with a dog never made your pulse quicken, your heart race or your world stop.

*Dogs can’t answer your questions, offer verbal sympathy, playfully debate or mentally stimulate you.

*Dogs don’t make you feel all gooey inside by telling you they love you.

*A dog cannot support you through college or when you’re “in-between” jobs.

*Wrestling with your dog never led to an intensely satisfying make-out session.

*No part of a dog fits perfectly with your body.

*Women take care of their own bathing, grooming and physical maintenance.

*You don’t wake up in the morning aching to be with a dog.

*If you give your dog away after a short time, they might not even remember you.

*No dog will ever smell as incredibly good as a woman. (not to mention taste…)

*Dog don’t make special occasions and holidays- special.

*The value of all a dog’s love would never amount to even a fraction of a woman’s love.

*A dog did not bring you into the world

Honestly, any guy with any sense who can find a woman who likes dogs, can have both! Then it doesn't need to be a competition. Duh.