Online Dating: The Thirteen Rules of Three

The number three is not just the most noble number on the planet, it's the most famous (infamous?) number in history. So it shouldn't be a hard one to remember. And that's good because it turns out it comes up pretty often in online dating. (And well, dating in general.)

As if meeting the love of your life isn't hard enough, (and soon enough that you can share a good percentage of your life with before one or both of you hit your expiration date...get it?...expiration *date*?) time is not on your side.

So here is the break down.

1. A message you send to someone should be a minimum of 3 lines long. 3-6 sentences is ideal. That message should include 3 separate thoughts and one of them should be an open ended, engaging question. Also, all of the thoughts and questions should be about the person you are writing to, NOT about yourself. The best messages ask three completely different questions. For example:  

I am so impressed that you read John Grisham books and actually know who Andrew Belle is! Do you also listen to Greg Laswell? How long have you been doing photography and do you have a site with your work on display? As an avid snowboarder where would you recommend someone just starting go to try it?  Have a great day~

2.You have 3 days after getting a message from someone to respond, or after sending a message to someone to determine whether they are going to respond. Past this 72 hour period of time, chances are good they are not and you are not. If they do respond, make sure you keep up your end of the conversation. Ask engaging questions. Talk about your shared interests. Discuss meeting in person and make sure that your end game goals are the same.

3. If you don't hear back from them after 3 messages they're really not interested. There is still a chance that the person will respond after your first or second message if you change your tactics or wait a week or so before trying again. Possibly they overlooked your message because it wasn't eye catching enough or because you caught them at a bad moment in their life. (And please, spread them out over some time. Don't send them back to back within hours or days of each other!) After three un-replied messages though, they're probably just getting ready to block you for annoying them.

4. Exchanging additional contact information (social media sites like Facebook, cell phone number etc.) should take place around the 3rd message. Giving out contact info before that seems either eager, lazy or otherwise suspiciously too soon to have developed any real comfort with this person. Wait longer than that and either they're going to give up on you and move onto greener pastures, or they're hoping to make this an online pen-friend thing. Do you really have time for that?

5. 30 minutes is how long you should be able to chat on the phone with someone before you agree to meet in person. If either of you are struggling to find anything to talk about over the phone, chances are good you'll struggle in person to find things to talk about. Also, if they are hiding something (like being a different gender, a much different age than they claim) this is a good way and time to find out before going to the trouble to meet in person.

6. From first letter to meeting in person you have only 3 weeks before the other person will wander off in search of more readily available partners. If for whatever reason you won't be ready to meet them in under the three week mark, honestly you're better off not engaging them in any sort of conversation until you will be able to. Because once you start the contacting, it sets off a domino effect that it anticipated to unfold a certain way whether people are consciously aware of it or not.

7. 30 minutes is roughly how long you can be late to a date before the other person will ditch, delete and block your sorry ass for not being on time. It is not recommended that you test this theory!

8. Most guys need only 3 seconds in the presence of a woman to decide if they're interested in banging her. Women will give most guys closer to 3 minutes to decide. This if further proof that women and men are motivated by different factors while dating. 

9. Even if the chemistry isn't spot on at first, you have around 3 minutes to turn that around with whatever other great characteristics you might have. Roll out the charm, witty banter, clever humor or whatever allows you to really shine. Most people agree that spending time around someone and liking their personality, developing rapport, they actually discover they find the person more attractive than they previously did. Generally speaking though, your lasting impressions of each other will be fix in the first 3 minutes of knowing each other. So relax. There's no pressure right?

10. You should allow for whatever activity you have planned to do to take no more than 30 minutes from start to finish. If the meet goes well, you can agree to continue or go somewhere else together. If the meet DOES NOT go well, it's long enough to confirm you don't want to see the person again and make up a great excuse to leave, without being down right rude.

11. The first kiss is usually expected to take place in the first three dates. I'm not saying you should, just that one or both parties is going to be expecting it. Kissing on a first date seems to have become this custom that honestly I think is a horrible idea. And sleeping together on the first date is an even worse idea. Typically that shuts the door on anything genuine and long term. While there may be rare exceptions to that, generally what people get too easily they don't have any value for. This definitely applies to easy kisses and easy lays.

Understand though that when choosing to not kiss (or get naked) on the first date, you'll learn a lot about what the other person's priorities are in meeting you. If you want to get to know them before merging parts of your bodies together (even if it's just your lips) and they get angry, impatient or pouty about it... Ditch them immediately. They're never going to respect your opinions or personal choices later if you get into a relationship either. 

12. People typically decide before the 3rd date whether they like someone enough to want to keep seeing them. If you make it date number 3, it's either because she's holding out sex and he's still hoping to get laid (smart girl) or one of them is happily using the other for free meals/ outings/ sex and aren't ready to give up the gravy train (shame on that person), or they both genuinely like each other (here is hoping!).

13. 3 weeks of knowing/ dating each other is generally the time frame when both parties decide (or don't decide) to stop seeing other people. If they don't it might be because one isn't done making sure the grass isn't greener somewhere else, or because something between the two of them hasn't quite gelled yet. If you've stopped seeing other people and the person you are dating hasn't, it might be a good time to ask a few questions to yourself and them.



3 Bits of Bonus data:

1. The average, reasonably attractive, reasonably fit, mostly not crazy, mostly serious dater will find someone also average, reasonably attractive, reasonably fit, mostly not crazy and mostly serious in a three to six month period of time. People who still fit that demographic but are outside that time frame of finding someone have something else going on. This could include but is not limited to:
still getting over the last relastionship
not physical available (out of the country for a time)
exceptionally quirky 
overly picky/ very high standards

2. Three months is how long most trial run relationships last. It's just enough time for faking who you really are to become too much work and people finally start showing some of their true colors. Don't be fooled though. Some people can keep up the facade for much longer. For the best long term results, it is strongly recommended that you date someone for an entire year before tying the marital knot. (Long distance dating during that time doesn't count sorry.)

3. If you've been dating for three years or longer and both sides are not serious about marriage, it's time to admit that it's likely never going to happen. It's possible that something is just holding one person back and with the right motivation and prodding they'll pop the question (or agree to that question).

But, if for whatever reason it's not working out, just wait three months (about how long it takes for the average person to be ready to move on) and try again.

As always, if someone does not return your interest or attraction, please be mature about it.

Dating: Writing Messages Laughing at Myself

When exchanging messages with someone, it's always wise to start of with a small message (3-4 lines long). Or if you are responding to a message with someone, try to keep your messages about the same length as theirs.

If they just say "Hi." just say "Hello" back. This gives them feedback but allows them to keep directing the conversation.

You don't want to be the only one putting in all the effort to talk.

Otherwise you end up with this:

(Click on the pictures to enlarge them.) 

Don't do this. You'll just waste your time. Like I did. At least I can laugh about it.

Movies: The Best Inspirational Mentor Films

We all have had those times when because of whatever was going on in our lives we just hit a wall. And either someone came into our lives with the right combination of wisdom and honesty that set us back on the right path, or we just wish there had been someone like that.

These films leave you breathless with excitement to live in the moment and help you appreciate each and ever second of our crazy, amazing, confusing lives.

BEST MENTORS OF TEENS AND ADULTS

Peaceful Warrior (2006) 

                                                                                   The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000)

Dead Poets Society (1989)

                                                                                 The King's Speech (2010)

Stand And Deliver (1988)

                       
 BEST MENTORS OF CHILDREN

The Miracle Worker (2000)

 

                                                                                  The Magic of Belle Isle (2012)

Akeelah and the Bee (2006)

                                                                                 
                                                                                   Searching for Bobby Fischer (1993)

Nanny McPhee  (2005)

Society: Are We Asking the Right Questions?

A study was done with identical twins, at the Museum of Contemporary Art of Buenos Aires in October of 2013. Inside one room, dressed exactly the same sitting side by side are pairs of identical twins. They are staring straight ahead, expressionless.

Then random people filter into the room, sit in front of each pair and are asked questions about the twins through a headset. The people answer by pressing a button to choose one twin over the other. The only difference between the twins is one is chewing gum while the other is not.

The point of the study is to apparently determine if the social stigma about people chewing gum is correct. The conclusion of the test is that the twin chewing gum makes the better impression. And that ends up being a fairly surprising thing since most people are told that chewing gum makes a less favorable impression. So this seems like break-through research.

Unless you consider that the Beldent test givers may have been asking the wrong questions.


    

Some of the questions in the video include:

Which one seems like he has more friends?
Which gets invited to more parties?
Which of these bosses would give you a raise?
Which one has a better sex life?
Which never puts money into the employee gift pool?

From the examples given in the video they seem to be about establishing "social comfort" factors that translate into likability, being casual and relaxed and going with the flow. In that instance the twin chewing gum trumped nearly every time. The end statistic showed that despite every other factor being the same, 73% of the people answering the questions favored the gum chewing twin. 

But what would happen if the line of questions changed? What if instead of asking about how casual and friendly they seem, what if they focused on things that are serious and really matter?

What if they asked:

Which one would you rather have perform surgery on you?
Which seems like they'd make a better defense attorney?
Which one seems more likely to cheat on a test?
Which of them would probably be more faithful in a relationship?
Which one would you trust with an important position of management in your company? 

I'm willing to bet then that the casual gum chewer would suddenly be the less favored candidate, and for all the same reasons that the first line of questions went well for them.

If the act of chewing gum makes a person seem:

more casual
more relaxed (maybe also more ethically/morally relaxed)
more friendly
more playful
more sexual

Doesn't it also seem that conversely gun chewers would also seem:

less serious
less responsible
less accountable
less educated 
more superficial

Since we don't have the full list of the questions asked during the study, but by using "if this, than that" line of reasoning, we can conclude that it would probably be fine to chew gum in casual environments (say a first meet/ date with someone) but probably not to something where you'll be judged upon your ability to be serious and sophisticated (like a corporate job interview).

It might also be fine for a stand up comedian or a sports coach to be "on the job" chewing gum, it would probably not be wise for a conference speaker or the president of a country to be seen publicly speaking while chewing away on a wad of gum.

It's hard to get a full picture of what effect chewing gum implies about someone. The answer of what it suggested about them varies based upon maybe what information you are trying to gather about that person. But one thing we can be absolutely sure of. Chewing gum does leave an impression. Take that into consideration the next time you break out the gum. People will be assuming things about you based upon that single choice, whether you want them to or not.

Dating: Single or Not?

Give a person a heads up would you?

Politics: Presidental Disappointment

Halfway into President Obama's second term, there has been a lot left to be desired of how he's spent his time and money holding what many people agree is the most powerful job in the world.

There are those who will argue both sides of the coin.

Some say that he's pissed away his time playing golf, taking vacations and fundraising while the common American people flounder, counties in our care teeter on the verge of full scale war and our relationship with both allies and enemies make uncharted and largely unmitigated changes.

Some people say that he's been blocked and thwarted by conflicting political powers (namely congress) that disagree with his objectives and tie his hands from making the real progress he otherwise would be making.

And then there have a long and condemning list of scandals regarding Obama's history, his present and his future. The list is unprecedentedly long and deeply concerning given the amount of time and effort put into just confirming that Obama is legitimate and allowed to even continue holding the presidential office.

Regardless of what you say of all the scandals, there is something that bothers me even more than all of this.

Independent Films: What They Are and Why We Love Them!

Most people enjoy movies. They watch them. They love them or hate them. But most people don't understand the terms that describe what a movie is, aside from the genre. So when I say most of my favorite movies are Independent films...does that mean anything to you?

No? Well allow me to explain. 

"Independent" explains where the funding for the movie budget comes from. It also explains how and where the creators of the film got together.

Independent film makers range in size from companies that started small but with movie success over the years have developed a name for themselves like Dream Works, all the way down to smaller ones that few people have ever heard of, like Yari Film Group. They are like Dick's Sporting Goods and Ray's Cycle. Smaller, almost mom and pop shops that have fewer regular employees and a smaller budget to work with. They tend to hire actors specifically for each film and usually work with emerging actors who fewer people know about and are will to work for a lot less money. They also don't have regular donators who provide the funding for their films so they have to do fund raisers and try to find personal investor who are willing to take a chance on the movie flopping and never making their money back.

Aside from those differences, are the types of films they make. Big production houses make your staple films that fall under the categories of: Comedy, Action, Horror, Drama.

Major producers like Paramount, 20th Century Fox and Warner Brothers are huge companies with lots of people who are contracted to work with them for period of years. They have reliable donators who consistently give money to their movie projects because they'll get a cut if the film does well and they can pretty much count on it being a success.

They're a bit like Home Depot and Lowe's. They're huge, they have lots of regular employees and they have a huge budget. They tend to have contracts with actors for how many films they have to make with them in order to get paid in full. And they tend to have the heavy hitter, established actors like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Beals who command a very large salary.

They fit those criteria with a formula so the movie makers and the audience know exactly what they can expect.They follow reliable recipes that have proven popular with their audiences, that way there is very little gamble that they won't do well. But this also mean they don't take risks. They don't give you surprises. They give you splashy special effects, your favorite celebrity faces and an ending you can rely to fit the movie type.

Independent films and foreign films are for people who love adventure and like to think outside the box.

Independent films are less defined. They might make a movie that starts out funny, ends up being about cancer and instead of the patient living, they might die and the movie ends on a sad note. They are full of surprises because they often give you fresh actors who you don't know how will act or react. You don't know if there will be sex between the psychiatrist and his own son while he's counseling a rape victim or if the romantic couple chasing each other throughout the movie will end up getting married or not. They take chances. They give you something you've never had before, wrapped in brown paper instead of a colorful brand label plastic container. Maybe you'll love it. Maybe you'll hate it. But you won't know until you try every one, because they're all unexpectedly different.

Stay tuned for my next post which will list some of my favorite Independent Films.