Dating: Best Things to Say to Get Your Profile and Messages Ignored

1. I have too big of a heart/ I’m too nice of a person.

Translation: I get walked all over. I don’t have a spine. I let people take advantage of me. Please be super nice to me because no one else is. I don’t have much self-esteem. I’m hoping that by getting into a relationship with someone who will be more like an enabling parent to me, I will never have to develop a spine or self-esteem. I’m weak- don’t hurt me! And yes, if you ask for me to drive you out gas on the freeway in the middle of the night, bail you out of problems and buy you stuff even when you constantly ignore my text messages and never spend time with me on the weekends, I will never tell you no. And no matter how much you abuse me there will never be any consequences. I’m just *that* much of a pussy.

2. I’m averaged sized.

      

Translation: I’m heavy or overweight and in denial about it. I will expect/hope you will ignore that fact and/or not care. I’m comparing myself to all the morbidly obese people in the world. And compared to someone who weighs 600 pounds I’m an athlete! My body fat percentage is definitely a quarter fat or more.  I think this is normal and I have no intentions of changing that. I will be deeply offended/ angry/ hurt and mortified if you dare call me on it or suggest I could get fitter. You should accept me for how I am now. And a few years from now when I gain a shit load of weight living off hamburgers and doughnuts I will still claim to be average sized or “a little extra” because I’m now comparing myself to the 1% fattest people who are contestants for the Guinness Book of World Records fattest person.

3. I’m not good at describing myself/ I don’t know what to say in my profile.

Translation: I’ve known myself my entire life and there isn’t anything about me worth mentioning. I was hoping you might tell me that I’m a valuable person just for breathing and maybe give me a little trophy for participation. I am uninteresting. I have no hobbies, talents or ambitions. I don’t know what I want out of life. I’m hoping to skate through life without ever actually discovering who I am. I don’t know what introspection means. I don’t care to find out. I am probably not worth getting to know.

4. I’ve never done this [internet dating] before.

Translation: I am waaaaay too cool to be here. I’m really NOT so desperate for a relationship that I’m looking for love online, yet here I am. I lost a bet. My buddy/sister/father/neighbor created this profile for me.  I am completely going to deny that I ever met anyone on a dating site, even if it works and I meet a wonderful person and we get married. I think only losers or idiots use online dating site. Except me. I’m trying this out but I’m absolutely NOT a loser like everyone else here. Well, me and the person I’m hoping to meet because I’m having NO success in the real world and I’m starting to get scared I’ll spend the rest of my life alone.

5. I’m looking to see what’s out there.

Translation: I want to know what all my options are before I put forth any effort. I’m hoping I can get free food and free sex and not be tied to any commitments. I don’t have much experience in relationships or really want one, or else I’d say I’m looking for one. I am worried that if I say I just want a booty call people will think I’m a creep/slut and not talk to me. I want someone to find me and tell me that I’m what they want. And then I want them to define what our relationship will be. If I don’t like what they say, I’ll just come right back to looking for someone else who offers a different bag of goodies.

6. I’m not into games/ drama.

Translation: I’m using these specific words because I’m fully expecting to have a lot of games and drama in my dating. I’ve always had games and drama in my relationships. I may or may not be actually tired of it. I want you to be straight forward about what you expect and be easy going but I reserve the right to whip out a can of games and drama if what we have going on gets boring for me. And since I have so much experience with games and drama, if you get me started, you know it’s going to be the Jerry Springer kind. 

7. Ask me.

 Translation: I’m f’ing lazy. I’m arrogant and think my pictures are enough to get people to want me and write me. I’d rather get drunk and play online games or watch movies all night rather than write anything, even if it’s talking about myself and how awesome I am and how lucky you’d be to meet me. I don’t believe in putting effort into anything. I don’t wash my hands after using the bathroom. I throw my garage out the window or door of my car. I probably never brush my teeth, or wash my clothes and only shower when flies start to land on me. If you expect me to do anything that’s not easy or fun for me, including make you orgasm if we have sex, you’re a f’ing idiot.

8. YOLO!

Translation: I’m wildly immature. Dating me will be like dating a pre-adolescent.  I may ask you for money, directions to get places Google Maps could show me or both. I don’t know how to function in daily life without other people’s help and advice.  I’m trying way too hard to be trendy, young and fit in to the crowd. I’m a sheep and I have no original thoughts of my own. It hurts my head to find out about current event or follow politics. Reading books put me to sleep. If you ask me any questions I’ll have to consult either a magic 8 ball, my daily horoscope or ask a friend via text message before I can respond.  I am as deep as the condensation on the side of a warm soda can.

9. I like to meet new people and see where it goes.

Translation: If we meet, it will only be once. And then it will be just to have sex. My relationships all amount to a series of one night stands. I get bored with people. Three months is a lifetime to me. I have the attention span of a mosquito on caffeine. I don’t have any long term plans or goals. I keep condoms on me at all times. You never know when a hottie in the produce section of the grocery store might be down for a quickie behind the shopping carts. I will prefer to come to your house for sex so you don’t know where I live. I have amnesia every 24 hours, so don’t bother telling me your name, I won’t remember it. 

10. I want someone who will take care of me.

Translation: I have expensive needs you will pay for. I have a long list of expectations that you had better fulfill. I plan to use you until something better comes along. Like someone more enabling who has even more money than you have. I plan to either act childlike/clingy or bitchy/controlling. I may in fact flip-flop back and forth between those two. I want you to handle the finances, the major life decisions and make my life feel like it has purpose without me doing anything for myself or anyone else. Everything should revolve around me. You should constantly be doing things to show me you are grateful I gave you the chance to make your life revolve around mine. If you screw any of this up, I will blame anything that goes wrong on you and tell everyone what a dickhead you are.  

11. I’m just chillin/ I’m just doing my thing

Translation: I peaked in high school. That amounted to me getting mostly C’s, cutting class whenever possible and trying to get stoned/drunk/laid every day if possible. I may not in fact have actually graduated from high school. Furthering my education takes a back seat to watching every episode of the dumbest TV series I can find four or five times back to back. Chances are good I’m on government assistance and can’t hold down a job. I have no ability to commit to anything. Not even using proper English, which is probably the only language I speak. I have no personal style. I’m a cheap knock off of whatever my equally uneducated trendy role model is, and they probably peaked in high school too. If you want to ever do ANYTHING with your life, including: travel, have a good paying job, raise responsible children, fulfill your potential, dress nice, own your own home or be able to retire before you die, avoid me at all cost.

12. I’m one of the funniest people you’ll ever meet.  

Translation: I don’t have much else going for me. I try to be funny. It may be dumb humor or just me being a dork. Either you can laugh at my lame ass jokes or you can just laugh at me. I probably won’t know the difference and as long as you appear to be laughing, I’ll be proud that I made it happen and not care which it is. Forced and fake laughter is okay too. I don’t have any real wit or cleverness. I just know that people of the opposite sex say they want someone who will make them laugh. So I’ve decided that I’m a funny person. I’m going to try too hard to make you laugh and show you just how little confidence I have in myself. I probably don’t even know that you gain real confidence by learning new skills, becoming independent and focusing on making the world a better place for other people. So instead I’ll try to be a cross between Jim Carey/Chris Rock and completely miss the mark. But I’m desperate to be funny so I won’t even notice when you don’t find me funny and insist that what I’m saying IS funny. I’m funny dammit!

Food: Suggested Cold Stone Ice Cream Flavor "Deliciously Rich Donald Trump"

Cold Stone is one of my favorite places to get ice cream. They make "creations" the way my friends and I used to at our teenage birthday parties growing up. We'd buy a cornucopia of delicious "ingredients" and take pride in each of us making our own original yummy mess. Mixing ice cream flavors, fruit, candies and toppings all in one bowl for a delicious and unique dessert experience.

Since Cold Stone has hit the market with a collection of their Signature Creations, I've been happy to leave the flavor combination inventing to the ice cream experts. And I can tell you without hesitation what everyone in my family normally gets when we visit this particular ice cream parlor.

As for myself, I'm usually very happy with the "Mint Mint Chocolate Chip". I've tried a variety of their flavor combinations and generally like that one the best. Every now and then I'll get their "Chocolate Devotion" with some strawberries tossed in. And their "Cookie Doughn't You Want Some" is another I frequently rotate out with. I sometimes add a thing now and then, (like the time I added brownie to the "Strawberry Blonde") but I've never made an entirely new creation before that deserves to be added to the list of regulars.

But that changed one time about eight months ago when my boyfriend decided to make his own concoction instead of getting his usual Birthday Cake Remix (sans chocolate). I was conflicted about which of my usuals to get and was kinda looking for something a little different. So when my boyfriend (who is not a fan of mint or even sometimes of chocolate but very much likes cheesecake) ordered Cake Batter and Cheesecake Ice cream, then added pie crust and Carmel, it sounded intriguing. He let me taste his when the server passed it over the counter. It was good. That is, it was a good start.

I decided to get that, but with a few more additions. I also requested chocolate shavings, fudge topping and fresh strawberries. When my delectable dessert was handed over to me, I let my boyfriend taste it. The flavors were in my opinion perfection and was sure he'd agree.

My boyfriend: It's too rich.

Me: What?! That's impossible. There's no such thing as too rich. Just ask Donald Trump!

We both laughed but the name stuck.

And that is how the Deliciously Rich Donald Trump ice cream concoction was created. Now most times I go to Cold Stone I ask for this combination. But it would be really awesome to just ask for it by name. I think it's about time we let the public decide so I'm putting the ingredient list out there for everyone to decide if they agree. 

If you'd like to have your taste buds overwhelmed by an amazing treat, try the Deliciously Rich Donald Trump. Here is what to ask for:

Cake Batter ice cream

Cheesecake ice cream

Pie Crust topping

Carmel Topping

Chocolate Fudge Topping

Chocolate Shavings

Fresh Sliced Strawberries

(add a chocolate covered waffle bowl if you think you can handle it!)

And then Enjoy!

Dating: The ABC’s of Online Dating Emails

The basic building blocks of creating good emails when online dating are pretty simple but very important.

You have roughly six emails each to cover all these topics and establish certain factors in order for the best possible outcome.

Dating: Fuit Smoothies, Slurpees and V8 Juice

There are basically three types of people out there. Which kind are you? And what are you looking for?

Online Dating: Horror Story: False Sense of Immunity

Apparently coffeexplorer on Ok Cupid doesn't read the news.

If he did he would see that sitting behind the safety of a computer screen tucked behind the walls of your own home lends a false sense of anonymity. He may think he can confidently pound out his hateful spite on someone who has done nothing to him, and he'll have immunity from any accountability for what he does. And he would be wrong. 

Just this week on MSN comes a story about an arrogant JobBank Moderator who got the smack down from the public for unleashing her distasteful sense of superiority over some younger woman who was seeking to connect and gain employment opportunities. And her temper has cost this woman dearly.

Just last night, I got a series of hateful messages from someone named coffeexplorer. I guess he figures he's god's gift to women because before he started spewing outrageous and aggressively malicious emails my way, I'd never viewed his page, never heard of him and never made any attempt to contact him. I guess this is his way of dealing with his life disappointments: by vicious attacking women online who are seeking love. 

Take a look at what he wrote to me:

“Wow, you are a case study for feminist attention whoring. Another 7 who thinks she is a 9. Don't get me wrong I like your passion, but average girls cannot make super model demands. The world is corrupt and you are pretending its good because you have been protected by white knight beta males who have protected you from true horrors and brutality. Women twice as hot and bad ass as you are mixing Molotov Cocktails for their men in the streets of Ukraine right now and you are demanding that American men buy you cocktails and open doors for you. Lol

You are on a public forum publicly emotionally streaking with your life story and sexy photos. You love thus sh*t

And believe this, no other man read or cares about what you wrote about YOURSELF, we all just want sex and will do and say anything to get it. Who you are and what you like and dislike is of no importance to us. Everyman you have ever known secretly thinks this... gasp! Oh the horror, huh? Yep everyman has to lie to get all your required "right" answers and win the golden key to your high maintenance golden chastity belt."

I really cannot know how this guy can assume that he is a "nice guy." I am very glad that I have had the pleasure of knowing LOTS of truly nice guys who's friendship I value very much. 

It's just really sad that this jerk seems to think that he's somehow been wronged enough to deserve to be horrible to anyone whenever he feels like lashing out. It makes you question whether he would likewise physically take out his vicious temper on any random woman who had the misfortune to meet him. He seems like the type would find whatever female who crosses his path and destroy her life just because he's obviously an angry and bitter person.

To all the honorable, good hearted and chivalrous men (and outraged women) out there, feel free to let this guy know that this is not how you treat your women and that you won't tolerate him treating females in general this way. Thank you for helping keep the world  (online and off) a safer place for everyone.

Why You Should NOT Date On Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is considered by many the most romantic day of the year. It's certainly one of the primary days where restaurant expect to fill up, flower shops anticipate being emptied and jewelry stores try to convince you rocks and metal will solve all your relationship problems.

And that is why, for most people, they should absolutely NOT plan a date for February 14th.

If this sounds like a foreign concept to you, allow me to explain...


(read full article tomorrow)

Open Letter Dating Advice: Woman's Perspective

Your profile says that you're new to this state, and while that shouldn't matter when it comes to internet dating sites, which are all over the world, I'm gonna cut you some slack and let you in on a little secret.

Girls who are fit, reasonably attractive and have their life together get a LOT of mail. I'm not bragging. If I could get 90% of it to STOP..I would. I feel like I'm wasting my life rummaging through 50+ messages a week from guys who aren't fit, aren't attractive, don't have their life together and don't even want a real relationship. It's depressing!

 So...girls cut through the crap by just eliminating guys. A LOT of eliminating. Let the deleting begin! They will:

1) Delete anyone who doesn't have a picture.  

2) Delete anyone married, in a relationship or just looking for an intimate encounter.

3) Delete anyone who is very much outside the desired age range.

4) Delete anyone they're not attracted to even a little.

5) Delete anyone who doesn't bother to write anything about themselves in their profile.

6) Delete anyone who can't type/ speak proper English. 

7) Delete anyone who lives further than 50 miles away.

8) Delete anyone who doesn't have a job, a car and at least one normal hobby.

9) Delete anyone who comes off as rude, needy, stalkerish, angry, violent or suspicious.

10) Delete anyone who's first message is ONLY (any variation of) "Hey what's up?" or "Hi, how you doing?"

Now I realize you probably were nodding your head over the first 9 points and then probably stopped at #10 thinking "Now hang on a second.... I DO that... that get's my messages deleted?? But I'm completely solid on all the other points! That's not fair! Why does just saying "hello, how are you?" going to get my message deleted?"

Before you get all flustered over what seems like an injustice, consider this: If you get ten messages from people and they all say nearly word for word the exact same thing... wouldn't you get tired of responding to them??

Wouldn't you get to a point where you would hate to have to keep responding to those same short, dull messages with just different faces, day after day, week after week, month after month, possibly for years?? You'd want to scream too. Or crumple something up and throw it. Or just take a deep breath and delete them all. Screw it. It's too boring and tedious to be bothered.

BECAUSE......

One line sentences say.."I didn't read your profile, I don't know anything about you, I just looked though your pictures, thought were attractive and wrote you a really lazy message to see if you'll pay attention to me without my taking any real effort to know you."

So people...if you are guilty of writing these obnoxious and impersonal one line messages (and we all know you send to about a dozen girls every week or so) and are annoyed that they almost NEVER get responded to, you should know it's because they just deleted them. But there is a way to STOP getting deleted!

If you want to get the attention of a woman who is being bombarded by tons of guys on a regular basis...you HAVE TO STAND OUT. If you do just the bare minimum... you'll get the bare minimum....basically they might glance at your profile and delete your sorry message.

I'm really just trying to help you guys. I know you have a lot of competition. And I know there aren't too many girls who are in shape and who aren't crazy or have a ton of drama going on. So take this advice and stop having your messages get deleted.

Have an original subject heading. Trust me, it will get her attention over the typical "hi" or "hey".

Try humor. Even just having a joke in a subject heading or a message will get WAY more attention than the hundreds of "hi how are you?" that a girl has to read over and over and over again. Be original. Even weird is at least more interesting than boring. 

If you make her smile (or better yet laugh) chances are good she'll come back for more. Everyone likes people who make them laugh.

Say something about HER. Even if it's just a short sentence/ observation. 

And for the love of Pete, DON'T say she has pretty eyes, a pretty smile or "seems smart/ laid back / down to earth/ or really cool". (I swear, if I had a nickel for every time some guy said those things in an email to me... GROAN.... DELETE. ) Mention something she said about herself IN her profile. She gave you stuff to talk about... so talk about it!

DON'T talk about yourself in your message to her. If a girl feels like you're just saying hello to get her to read 5 paragraphs you wrote about how great YOU are, why should she read it? She was hoping you were writing her because you noticed HER out of all the other girls out there!

Write about you in YOUR profile. That way after you've impressed her with your funny message that says something about her that shows you actually read her profile...she'll be eager to get to your page and read all about YOU.

But it HAS TO happen in THAT ORDER.

If you can get a conversation going because you were the ONE GUY who made her smile or laugh, she might not care if you don't some of the other criteria she's looking for. If nothing else, you'll at least get a conversation going and possibly a meet. And that's the first step to finding a romantic relationship (or even a really great friend). Right?

I've read soooo many "What's up?" "How's is going?" and "How is your days?" that sometimes I want to just give up talking to people online altogether.

So sorry, but the "How are you?" that you just sent... is going in the garbage.

Just think about this from the stand point of a girl for a second. Unless you write something to stand out, you all sound like robots. So if I can't find a smart, funny, clever guy online, I might as well hold out for the tallest, handsomest and riches robot in the bunch right? 

Hope that helps get you more game!